Monday, December 19, 2011

Day 8

Haven't smoked a cigarette in 8 days you guys. It's true what they say, "When you're ready to quit, you'll quit."

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

High Sierra Brewery

Yeah. This place isn't as bad as I thought it once was.

Occupy this.

(Image provided by

I've been reading about this "Occupy" situation all around the country and I am extremely confused about how this whole thing works. First of all, I'm not one for agreeing with protestors as a general principle as it seems like the least diplomatic avenue to take and is reminiscent of a child throwing a temper tantrum while not being able to express itself in a productive manner. On the flip side, these protests do have the ability to get people interested in the causes for which they stand and, eventually, spread awareness.


This Occupy Wall Street (and the subsequent other "Occupys” around the country) just don't make sense to me. So, I get that these are a bunch unemployed people who are pissed off at Lehman Bros and these bank executives for not receiving their comeuppance for violating business ethics and the laws associated with them. I also get that they are somehow personally offended by the wealth being achieved by the 1% of this country’s population and the juxtaposed stature that is the rest of us. The fact that a bunch of rich guys keep getting richer just seems to incite that “Why not me” mentality that everyone who has never won the lottery feels every morning while waking up earlier than they think they should have to in order to go to a job they don’t like. I get it. They want to be in the 1%.

What I don’t understand is this: Do you honestly think that by blocking traffic and creating massive congestion in hugely populated areas that you are disrupting the lives of that 1% you so staunchly resent? Do you think that by defecating in the streets and in private parks that the uber-rich are somehow writhing in their Sleep-by-numbers beds to the glow of FOX News emanating from their 60” LED televisions inside their multi-million dollar mansions? No. You’re affecting the 99% you are claiming to protect and represent. The man or woman who was told by his/her employer that “One more account of tardiness will lead to some serious trimming”; or that person who needs to pick their sick child up from daycare; or the ambulance that would have made it on time had it not been for the massive semantically oriented “Occupation of Irony”. This entire scenario is a completely misguided attempt at change that, though beginning with the best of intentions and a heart-felt desire to emit transformations for the better, has become a completely embarrassing conglomeration of overly entitled, self righteous children with no sense of the processes of governmental change. They are no better than the greedy bastards that jeopardized the well being of millions in an effort to achieve their personal goals.
Occupy Wall Street my ass. Go occupy a shower and a job interview.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

5 Things - Rappers Stories Versus the Real World

What I can understand of these hip hop songs leads me to believe that the most important things in these guy's lives are as follows:

1. Drinking overpriced alcoholic beverages makes women like you.
Truth: Women like to be associated with people who get other women to associate with them. The alcohol you just bought is completely wasted. You could have waited until the club called last call and brought out 200 burritos from Aca Taco and been just as popular.

2. Jets are pussy magnets.
Truth: Girls love the fact that you have a jet because they assume you have tons of money. However, after they are on the plane, these rapper guys realize they are now stuck with a bunch of gold digging whores who, upon arriving to the destination and getting sobered up, are now just getting annoying and need to find their own way back to the LA valley.

3. Telling the masses that you're a "Boss" over and over again makes them think you're actually a "Boss".
Truth: You only retain 7% of the market compensation of the albums you sell. Your only employees are some dudes you went to high school with that work for you in hopes of getting their dicks sucked by that chick who claims she "Beat Herpes", and your accountant makes more money a year than you do.

4. "You're the realest"
Truth: No one has any idea what that means. We just assume you have committed real-world crimes and struggled through robbing people as innocent and unassuming as the suburban Americans who purchased your albums.

5. You have to let us know, "I'm back!!"
Truth: No one knew you were gone. The economy is in the shitter. We've got bills and shit. Just sing something that won't stain my child's innocence while listening to the radio in the car on the way to school.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

What to do when you drunkenly spill beer on your groin and then have to walk around.

Here we go. And just to be clear, we're talking jeans here folks, non of this quick wick polyester bullshit. You khaki wearing queers.

1. Excuse yourself to the restroom, diligently scrub your crouch with paper towels until there's nothing but little white bunnies all over your shit and you think it's no longer noticeable.

2. Play it off like you were just THOROUGHLY washing your hands and it's just some "Splash".

3. Spill even more beer all over the table and blame it on that.

4. Actually pee your pants and pray for a sympathy angle from one of the waitresses when you proceed to explain that you lost your ability to control your urinary function while defending our country in the war that you have the most knowledge in.

5. Listen for an obnoxious man yelling from around the room. Walk up to him, say the following, "What's wrong with you!? My name isn't Tony and I don't even know your brother!!". And then force his drink into your lap.

6. Trade the bathroom attendant for his (more than likely) very large shirt and let it hang low.

7. Do like the rest of us and just keep rubbing at it when no one is looking and pray to Christ it dries before someone wants you to stand up and go do something while everyone else remains seated.

End Random Lesson of Life.

How to be depressingly comedic

So, I'm at home. Alone. On a Saturday night. In Nevada. Keep in mind, that's not the punchline to this whole thing.

So, I like to think I have a good amount of friends (approximately 4). After that, I've got a solid dozen people who I think of as acquaintances (it's really more like an additional 4). After that, I've got at least 30 people in my phone that I call on random occasions to rescue me from my pitiful, lonely, existence in this sandbox (that number is closely accurate; however it includes people who have found their way into my phone via random encounters and socially awkward scenarios).

Out of every one of these near and dear contacts, this evening I called ALL of them. Yes, I said it. ALL of them. Tonight. The results go as follows:

Legitimately rang through to voicemail: 14
Intentionally sent to voicemail due to the "Ignore" feature: 18
Picked up and actually wanted to hang out: 1 (Turned out my truck broke down in my drive way on the way to meet up with him. But it was the thought that has automatically made this guy the best man at my wedding).

So, this result can take me down one of two paths. The first resulting in my throwing an iphone through a double pane insulated window.
The second (the road I chose), has inspired me to realize that, though I may be the least important thing going on in 97% of my (local) friends lives, I am going to use this as an opportunity to write tonight. And write. And write.

Feel free to remember the following quote as it is a Daris original,
"No matter how insignificant you may feel at times, you are always more important than the people taking you for granted."

Friday, November 4, 2011

Nevada makes me think about how cool it would be to live in Idaho.

Sooo...I just realized that if you stand in the parking lot of my office building and look East, you see this in the distance:
Yup. That's a sign that reads "The Chocolate Nugget". Apparently it's a candy factory of some sorts that I can only imagine is run by dark skinned oompa loompas with duelling gambling and hard drug addictions.

Then, when I look West from the parking lot...

That would be the famed "Bunny Ranch" of Mound House Nevada. Now, granted these pictures are bit closer than what I actually see from here, but not by much. And, it's the principle of the scenario.

My office is situated directly in between a Whore House and a Chocolate Nugget.

Don't believe me, go ahead, Google it.
Feel better about your own job? Thought so.

The Ethics of Communication (Not Educational I Swear)

So, it is, and has been for some time, the 21st Century and I think there should be a guideline for protocol when it comes to the following popular forms of communication: Texting, The Returning of Phone Calls, Emails, and Facebook. Someone with even the most miniscule knowledge of affable behavior or interpersonal etiquette within social settings should know, to a degree, the ways to act. However, I’m finding it more and more common for people to choose the low road of courtesy over the high.

3 Rules for Texting
1. You have 24 hours to return an un-responded text (Should it warrant response). After that, you have shown the sender that you chose not to use one of your 1,440 minutes in that day to think about them.
2. A recipient has a three day grace period to respond to an unanswered succession of texts over said three day period. Should a response of any kind be withheld, you have now been deleted from the contact list. We can only hope you aren’t in a Guatemalan jail or trapped in Roman Polanski’s pool house.
3. Confusing denotations and unclear verbiage cannot be taken personally until a verbal conversation has clarified any and all misunderstanding. After that, swing away.

4 Rules for Phone Calls
1. If the person calls you more than twice a day (and isn’t you wife/husband or immediate family member), you are only obligated to take every other phone call. Is it so hard to think that you get busy, and they need to find someone else to bother at times?
2. If you haven’t heard from the person calling you within the last 6 months, you are obligated to take the call wherever you may be at the time. You’ve kept their number for 6 months without using it, you know you want to talk to them.
3. It is NEVER acceptable to call someone, or take a call, while going number 2. (Rule number 2 is the exception; for the sake of irony)
4. I’ve warmed up to the idea of a Blue Tooth, but please confine them to their state mandated use of driving hands-free. No blue tooth in the line at the grocery store or while at the urinal. I was super confused when that guy rescheduled our appointment and kept calling me Donna while I was peeing.

4 Rules for Emails
1. It should go without saying, but, NEVER forward anything without my specifically asking you to. Not ever. Never never never. Stop it. Bad.
2. If your computer sends “Read-Receipts” and the email explicitly requires a response, make sure you send the response within an hour of reading the email. I know you read the fuckin thing. Now you’re just ignoring me.
3. Referring people when signing up for anything online is malicious behavior. I got a phone call from some used car lot the other day and the guy already knew my name and where I live; thanks a million for the alley-oop there Bill. Just know that Dish Network now thinks you are looking to sign up for their services but just can’t get through to them on the phone.

The Mighty Facebook
1. If it isn’t going to be painfully obvious to me who you are, please reference how we know each other in a friend request or message. If you get denied, you should probably stop blocking your entire page from people.

Which leads me to…

2. Don’t block your entire page from people. I get it, you have whorish pictures on there that you don’t want family to see, or, you are afraid that the weird guy from the office who breathes ready loud is going to stalk you. It’s understandable. But, at least leave basic information available so that I can see if the blind date my buddy set us up on is actually going to be worth it.
3. Facebook age cut-off is 55. The acquiring of Social Security cancels out your need for online social networking. Unless at one point you were President of something. Or refuse Social Security.
4. Parents should never post anything on their children’s wall or on pictures not including their own face or someone older than them. By taking pictures with people equal to or older than your parents, you have signed your folks’ pass on commenting.
5. Don’t get mad if people don’t respond in the chat bar. Not a lot of people know how it works. Smart people do.
6. You keep sending me weird little application requests (Farm something, Mafia something else, etc). I keep actively ignoring them. Please stop.

Anyways. Just my two cents for the morning.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

15 Way To Tell You're Broke

1. Your two week expired carton of eggs in the fridge is now a small chicken wandering around the salad dressing isle.

2. You only approach women in clubs who have shown their ability to cover cab fair.

3. The shoes that once doubled as your "Yard work" shoes are now "Good enough" to club in.

4. Your dog is eating more expensive dinners than you are.

5. "Cable television" now refers to you sitting on your porch listening to your neighbor beat his wife.

6. The lies you used to tell women to go home with you are starting to turn YOU on.

7. Your room at your parent's house is WAY bigger than your room now.

8. You cry when you pee. Not because it hurts. But because you know you can't flush without going to the sink with a bucket.

9. You just made a grilled cheese sandwich with a toaster laying on its side. The fire is now contained.

10. Sad love songs are now just bitchy, winey, crap from people who are lucky enough to have trash service.

11. You've lost enough weight to get a "Jared" sized contract and you haven't had a gym membership since May of '08.

12. Paper towels, toilet paper, and Kleenex are universally exchangeable in applicability.

13. There's a room in your house that now doubles as "The crying room". This room generally has a sofa which has cushions that are so compressed from being slept on that you're pretty much sleeping on plywood.

14. You've refilled that one empty bottle of water 24 times to make people think you can afford bottled water.

15. You're other car is a burro.


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

These people actually exist

I get into work this morning and the first phone call I get is a guy on the other end explaining to me how he is too busy to do some aspect of his job and how he doesn't feel he has time to do something, so somehow, in a magical world where this man's irrational logic is the predominant deciding factor of the universe, he tells me that it is my job. Really pal? You think I want to go through the endless documents and monotonous rigmarole of your job when I don't even work for you...or have anything to do with you? You’ve got to be shitting me. What kind of response was he hoping I would dawn? "Yes massa, I would love to do that fo' you. You need yo' shoes shined sir? Maybe I could do a little dance, if that would be ta yo’ likin’".

No matter how many times I say people don't surprise me, somehow there is that one guy who just does.

Thursday, September 15, 2011


So, my buddy Mike just invented a new word that needs to gain popular culture status with your assistance world.

The Bellapube. It's the drag strip that joins a girls belly button bush to her nether-fur. I don't care who you are or what your values may be, if you have this, just know that not even a lesbian coal mine worker will blow you. It's like a mustache for your FUPA ladies.

Yeah. We said it. Bellapube.

P.S. The pubes that reach your thighs like the U.N. reaching for any foreign nation in need...not sexy.

Monday, June 27, 2011

LA Trip

So, I was in LA this weekend for a break from reality. Kylie and Morgan were gratious enough to let me hang out at their place. Morgan had to work the whole time but we got to see a little bit of him. Obviously, Friday we had to go out on the town and get a couple drinks in us. We hit what I think was Hermosa Beach for a drink and stumbled upon a place called the Poop Deck. No kidding. It was this little dive bar that we spent about thirty seconds in until realizing it was essentially a Carson City, NV bar. Upon realizing that we were at risk of contracting something, we left and went to a few more "established" bars. Good times were had.

So, Saturday rolled around and we were able to fight off the massive attack of our hangovers. Kylie and I watched and episode of Criminal Minds, which, in all honesty, never gets old. I think it might be the insane amounts of graphic content mixed with the absolutely absurd rationalized epiphanies that the characters are able to come up with that just gets me. Or it may be the absolutely fantastic body of AJ Cook. Either way, we watched an episode. Noon rolls around and we decide to go to Venice Beach to wander amongst the lost, broken, extraverted, souls that inhabit the area. Needless to say, not all the souls we encountered were lost or broken, but holy shit if they didn't make me uncomfortable. Such as a man in a speedo, pretending to be Conan the Barbarian while supporting the efforts of New Balance.

Along with the woman in some kind of leopard/cheetah print working out at Muscle Beach who happened to bend over right in front of me when I pulled out my camera.

Long story short, there are some crazy ass people in Souther California.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Little man is getting big

So Dave, Liam, Siobhan, and I went to the park this weekend for some kind of Pioneer Days type of thing (fairly forgettable event really). But what wasn't forgettable was little man crawling around on the grass for twenty minutes looking adorable. I couldn't resist.

Monday, April 18, 2011

I wish they could be puppies forever

So I was going through some pictures today and found a pretty classic succession of pictures of Baby Mac.

When he was a baby, he got up on the sofa and couldn't get down, so he decided to keep climbing...or at least give it his best shot.

He tried climbing between the back of the couch and a pillow

He almost made it over.

But then he got a little sleepy.

And he tapped out.

Friday, April 8, 2011

The Dracho

Dave just invented a new food. It has the nutritional benefits of a Snickers wrapped in butter, but it tastes like a unicorn covered in candy corn...if that was a food.

It's 1 part chip, 1 part mozzarella cheese, 1 part Daris' awesome chicken. Cannot be duplicated. Call for sample.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Internet, why youz so funny!!

Needed a laugh, thought I'd share.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

We have a better Mascot than you

I swear to god, any time Liam makes a funny face, you're at risk of cracking your sternum from laughter.

And no, Kenny, that's not our lamp.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Oh snap, did I do that?

15 ways to tell you've had far too much to drink in a given day (sadly, most are from personal experience. Apparently I need a life coach or some kind of intervention).

1. You've gotten into someone's vehicle parked in front of an establishment and just assumed they would operate as a city cab.

2. In an effort to get laid, pretended to be a celebrity that you clearly look absolutely NOTHING like...and you later find out was on the live television show that was playing above the bar. Not proud of that one.

3. Tried to ride any domestic animal as a rodeo clown.

4. Peeled the plastic wrapper off the individually packaged slices of cheese and eaten the plastic instead of the cheese.

5. Stolen a handicapped person's...anything.

6. Climbed something so high that you got scared once you looked down and got "petri-stuck".

7. Peed on someone's car tire... and had the car alarm go a crowded parking lot.

8. Microwaved Captain Crunch.

9. Sang kareoke at a memorial wake which you mistook as a buddy's company party with an open bar.

10. Thinking you were getting hot with "Charleen" when in reality you've one-way "sexted" you're 65 year old neighbor named "Charlie"...for like 15 minutes. Woops.

11. Ridden a riding lawnmower indoors.

12. Made it all the way to the front door, in the dark, after a one night stand, only to realize your sneaking out of your own house.

13. Turned a drunken Hat-Trick: You've invented a word, invented a product, and invented a drink all in one night. Unfortunately you can't remember any of them the next day, just that you did it.

14. Having actually drank yourself sober. It is a fact that if you drink enough Patron in one night, you will involentarily start drinking water and sober up. Granted, I just made the fact up, but I'm so removed from reality these days that I'm delusional to the point of believing pretty much anything I conjure up. Soooo, fact.

15. Instead of getting upset about losing your phone or wallet the night before, called your buddies and made a drinking game of re-collecting your goods and belongings in a scavanger hunt-style operation the next day.

Man, my liver does NOT miss college.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

KidKenny Tat

Respect. Welcome to the collection Kid Kenny. :)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Oldies but Goodies

So I have decided to move to a different country. The United States is getting to be too much of a pain in the ass with all the Bureaucratic bullshit and nonsense that comes with living in this country:

I don't want to pay $11 a gallon.

I don't want to go to war for some stupid asshole who knows what's best for me.

I don't want to stand in line at Wal-Mart with the lingering smell of Aqua Velva and disappointment flowing through my nostrils while waiting to be mugged in the parking lot.

I don't want to be subjected to the exhaust from a 1983 Chevy 1-ton next to me at the stop light with a 1981 over-the-cab camper filled with illegitimate children and empty whiskey bottles.

I don't want to go to the movies and see the same laughless, stupid shit over and over again while resenting every bite of my 14 dollar bag of popcorn.

I don't want to listen to stupid ringtones that reflect what kind of person someone is based on their societal views and their rebellious nature.

I don't want to be laughed at by Canada for being identified as the country with fat, out of shape, pieces of shit as occupants; Canadians are French.

I don't want to know what a corn dog is.

I don't ever want to see Oprah again.

I want to drink water that doesn't have to be treated with two dozen chemicals in order to be considered "clean".

I want to see a tree that was grown from a seed that fell from another tree; as opposed to being planted by some hippie organization that defends the rights of organic vegetable farmers and alternative fuel powered vehicle producers.

I don't want to be owned by technology.

I want my neighbor to own a record player so I can borrow records.

I want to ride a bicycle without the fear of being hit by a car full of 17 year old high school drop-outs on the way to mug someone in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

I want to water my lawn on odd and even days.

I want to use rabbit ears on my television without being threatened by a cable company.

I want to take the train without having to ride next to imported goods or milled timber.

I don't want to be criticized for not voting.

I want my currency to be worth more than the ink used to produce it.

I want to live by a beach that isn't populated by actors/waiters/waitresses.

I want to live in a country where the GDP isn't overshadowed by the profits of a Toby McGuire movie.

I don't want to be so hated that I have to worry about "Homeland Security".

I don't want to think that "Two Buck Chuck" is good wine.

I want to go see a play without being made fun of for going and seeing a play.

I want to work 30 hours a week and still be able to pay my bills.

I want to be able to hit on a girl while wearing either a scarf, a sweater vest, or suspenders.

I want to tell a topically relevant anecdote and not be ostracized for being pretentious.

I want to sleep for an entire Wednesday.

I want to live in a country that's had a war on it's own soil.

I don't want to get a ticket for smoking (yeah you Belmont).

So that's what's up with me today.

See Ken, they're just like Jewel...sans penis.

Awe, man...bag

Kenny's a Chinaman

Good morning

Valentine's Day was pretty much an ugly wash this year. I knew that I was just going to mope around the house, eat spaghetti, and watch movies featuring people being happy but once I found out the person who was supposed to be my Valentine was doing the same thing, I felt a little better about the sitchiation. Happy Tuesday.

Monday, February 14, 2011

BUTTer Cookies

The office manager was nice enough to bring in some cookies wearing women's panties today. We all thought they were going to taste like ass but they were alright. ;)

Elton John raped a Peacock

The Grammy's have successfully dualed as the tryouts for Celebrity Rehab.

CeeLo - "I Fuckin' Love Crack"

GwenPal - "Cee, honey, we're gonna go for a car ride, ok."

CeeLo - "I'm a mother fuckin' Peacock!!!!"

Friday, February 11, 2011

Nevada on Friday

Everyone in Nevada talks about gambling everywhere they go. Church, schools, restaurants, bars. Its like everyone is waiting on something to make their money for them. Also, I just realized I need a twitter account. This is not blog worthy material. Hi Jill.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Dentists say the darnest things

I was sitting in the dentist's chair yesterday, mouth pulled open, woman's hand inside. She's humming a little tune and cleaning my teeth like it's the kitchen floor of her condo when all of a sudden she stops, takes her gaze from my mouth to my eyes and says, "Have you seen that 'Two Girls, One Cup' thing on the computer?". I instantly get a mental image of two poop covered people sharing a shittake-cone and proceed to cough up all the water that was in my mouth and almost bite the woman's finger off.

"Why would you ask me that with your hands in my mouth?!" I plead to her while wiping my spittle from my shirt, pants, and glasses.

"I just saw it and it was NAAASTY." She said in a Michagan endowed accent. "I couldn't watch but a minute of it. Lean back."

Never in my life have I been so taken back from such a well placed time-bomb of a comment. Touche teeth cleaning girl. Touche.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Things people say...

My boss just found a cigarette butt on the ground outside and proceeded to state the following in a voice worthy of an aneurysm, “Attention everyone! If I find another cigarette butt on the ground, I’m going to ban smoking from the entire country. Seriously.”

Monday, January 3, 2011

New Years Reillusion 2

I went to church this weekend and, though it's been a while since I took part in a large scale, organized, religious event, I had a pretty good time. As it was on the 1st of the year, the pastor, Pastor Bob or Bill or something, made the entire sermon about resolutions and fitness and health (both spiritually and physically) and it got me thinking; it's time for me to revamp my New Year’s Resolutions and get them going again.

Over the years, I have been the eternal optimist in the morning and told myself that I am capable of all these miraculous changes and life-altering metamorphoses but somehow, at the end of the day, I land directly on my jumping off point. This year I have no idea where to begin; do I pick a habit to kick? Do I try and add something of benefit to my life? Do I change my outlook on a certain topic? I have no idea. I think the best thing for me to do this year is to keep an open mind and try and learn what and who it is I want to be so that I can unearth the elements of my life that need to be altered in order to achieve the end result of the person I want to become. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not all that upset with who I am right now, but I think we can always improve and the only way to do that is to be open and brutally honest with ourselves about the shortcomings we hold onto inadvertently and the insecurities we carry with us. I know that I have a lot of those and there are a million different ways to go about touching upon them and ironing them out of my daily life but I still don’t really know where to start. I think touching on one of them each day, or week, or even month (depending on their level of embeddedness in my lifestyle and core personality) and really exploring why I maintain that specific trait or characteristic will give me some insight into the workings of myself on an elemental level; thus letting me rebuild fundamentally, one thing at a time. This sounds like it may be a bit more work while at the same time a lot easier in the long run for me to make the significant life changes I need. Wow, thanks blog.

(image courtesy of