Tuesday, December 30, 2008

New Years Reillusion

So the Christmas diet failed miserably and I took the defeat pretty rough, so I’ve been lounging around in my pajamas everyday feeling sorry for myself. Not unlike every football fan in Detroit. But there is hope, and it comes in the form of resolution. Since the cigarettes are going out the window (again) on the 1st, I figure I’ll really overwhelm myself and make my window of possible success so small that Gary Coleman would have difficulties squeezing through. I am going to double resolve my New Year with, what the experts are calling, a “Life Change”. The first will be my 3 month mark without alcohol; it will now become the day I quit smoking as well as the day I got into shape. I figure these lofty goals and expectations will be to blame when I fail miserably no more than 36 hours after Wednesday at midnight. If I had simply said, “I am going to eat more vegetables” or “I will no longer spend $500 dollars on Amazon.com when my bank account reflects a balance of $250”, then I would have no excuse when I fail because my initial expectation was such a simple goal that even one of Brangelina’s half-breeds could accomplish it. However, if I shoot for the starts and say I am going to change the world in a day, and then only quit smoking, BOOM, everything else is over looked and even though I ONLY quit smoking…I quit smoking.

In closing, I have just given birth to my New Years Resolution for 2010: I will diligently work toward have such high expectations for myself that when I fail so badly that I am worse off than I was in 2004, I will still feel a sense of achievement and accomplishment. Wow. That shit is genius.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Good News and Bad News

Alright. The diet has been compromised once again. Someone thought it would be a good idea to get both advent calendars and almond roca for the house. In a nutshell, this morning I have a stomach ache, a toothache, and the runs...all before coffee.


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

It's 6:55pm and I'm 209

That's right, I'm 2 pounds closer to the 10 pound weight loss goal. Pictures pending.

Friday, December 12, 2008

My 2008 Christmas List

1. Portable Interfacing Unit of Moderate Price and Capacity (Laptop)

2. Unitarily Accepted form of Exchangeable Currency to Amazon.com and/or some/all of it’s Selective Subsidiaries. (Amazon.com Gift Card - Conveniently offered online at www.amazon.com)

3. The hind end remains of a bovine or genetic relative to be tanned and manufactured for the sole and specific purpose of housing minute remnants of a tapest-esque disposition used in transactions requiring the action of exchanging said monetarily orientated tapestries. (A new wallet, preferably a Stafford)

4. A dreamscape bound in wonderment; a true-to-life representation of Joseph’s Technicolor Dream Coat; an 88-key life raft of perseverance and possibility; a rectangular guide dog used by creative minds in an effort to explore their innermost desires and outermost eccentricism. (Some form of piano/keyboard)

5. A multi-cylinder powered motor to be stored and operated inside of a carbon steel chamber which, suspended 20-30 inches above the terrain, would be used primarily, if not solely, adjacent to the rich bounty of the Lord’s terra firma as a means of powering two circular objects which, in the act of making direct and semi-constant contact with the ground, would thrust the carbon steel chamber into the desired geographical direction. (Dirt Bike)

6. A pony.(A pony)

7. The societal element which allows one to become self influentially ostracized due to the taboo reference of such a collection of artifacts at a time when said artifact is criticized for being requested as a complimentary bestowment at a time of Christian reverence and familial celebration. (Money. You had to read that one twice. Go ahead, read it again. You’ll get it.)

8. An athletically derived orb used by sports figures whom have no sense of practical attire, gratitude, or self control; generally orange or of a mahogany derivation, this inflated globe single handedly made it cool to be the only 7’ 2” white guy in Boston.(A Basketball)

9. Extremity-specific heat capacitor used in the collection and preservation of thermal energy generated by the human body during times of extreme cold or vigorous activity. (Gloves)

10. Any celebratory dissemination of tangible goods which exceed the personal, societal, or monetary value of those celebratory items gifted to any other member of our immediate nuclear family whose age is less or equal to my own current annual value at the time of the celebratory gifting. (Anything, as long as it’s cooler than what Kenny gets)

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Status Check

So operation "Lose 5 pounds by Christmas" has taken it's first casualty. The I was, minding my own business, when all of a sudden I was ambushed. They came quietly, and with extreme prejudice. The chocolate truffles of the holiday season. Son's of bitches infiltrated my defenses long enough to sneak three covert ops insurgents into my body. The plan now is to slowly defuse this ticking time bomb of chocolate cravings long enough to begin hating my body like I need to for this diet to work. I think it's funny that dietitians refer to a diet as "A lifestyle change". In no way is this going to be a lifestyle change after December 25th. After the 25th, the only change that is going to be made will be me installing elastic bands in my jeans like I'm going to be doing cross dressing stunt work on the set of Juno.

Anyways, I'm off to single handedly demoralize myself in front of the mirror before running too far, eating too little, and whining too much.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

It's 5am and I'm 211

I officially started my "Get in shape for Christmas" routine today. Knowing that there are only two weeks left until Christmas, I am hoping to only lose 5 pounds instead of the original 10 el bees. This is how it's going to go down:

Work for 45 min and then shave and shower.

Breakfast 6:15-6:30am
3 eggs with wheat toast

Snack 8:30am
Nature Valley Granola bar / Grapefruit

Lunch 12pm
Solid White albacore / apple / V8

Afternoon snack 3pm
Campbells Vegetable Soup

30 minute after work run

Dinner 6:30pm
Protein Shake

Boom. If anyone needs 5lbs, look no further, I'll have it ready for you by Christmas.

Friday, December 5, 2008

STS - Small Town Syndrome

In our hunt for a new roommate we've been cruising through a list of possible candidates that have proven time and time again to be less than optimal. So far the best candidate we've had was a girl who seemed like she had her affairs in order: she had a job, could afford rent and bills, had a sense of humor that was compatible with that of the casa; and she was pretty mellow. There was only one catch...she has a 1 year old daughter. Now, I have nothing against children as I am fairly certain that at one point during my illustrious time on the planet, I was a child myself, but bringing a child in the house may be the least appropriate thing we could do for ourselves...and a child. So Dave blew her off after learning of the offspring and chalked her up to memory. Until tonight. We couldn't decide where to go to dinner so we jumped into the car and drove until something shined. We ended up at a place called Q's Bar-B-Que for some pull pork and chicken wings. No more than 6 minutes after sitting down does this girl walk in with her family and her (adorable I might add) daughter. The goddamn waiter puts them right across from our booth so we HAVE to see each other less we all develop astigmatisms in our necks from facing a wall. We eat our entire meal while choking back laughter and embarrassment while her little girl stares at us and waves while spitting food down her shirt. Now I am charged with the excruciating decision of either contacting this girl and talking the whole situation out, or letting it go and remaining douche bag numero uno for the rest of my life.

And you may be asking yourself how on earth she recognized us right? Let's just say it's me; and I never miss and opportunity to plaster a picture of myself on everything digital and/or adhesive.

So that's how dinner goes for people in a small town.

Steve Jobs is an Asshole

So I woke up this morning thinking I was going to go to the gym and actually do one of the things on my "things to do this morning" list but I think I'll just tell you about the dream I had last night instead.

I usually fall asleep with some type of music on in my room, for ambiance or whatever, but last night I accidentally had Thriving Ivory's 'Angels on the Moon' playing on repeat and didn't realize it until I was almost asleep. The version that was on is like 6 and a half minutes long and I could legitimately fall asleep 3 or 4 times in that given period. So I lay there listening to this song for about seven minutes, just long enough to realize I put it on repeat when all of a sudden there is this massive earthquake and the whole house starts shaking. The pictures hanging on my walls start to drop and shatter on the floor while I lay there in amazement of what is going on. I look to the left and the water from my bathroom is flooding out of the doorway and the mirror has already been spiderweb cracked from the shaking of the house. Just then, the giant oak tree in my back yard comes crashing through my bedroom ceiling and crushes my computer desk, television, end table and random piggy bank which I hadn't seen in roughly 15 years. I scream and just up, trying to get through the hole in the wall that was created by the huge tree. I make it to the backyard and the entire thing is over. Everyone's homes are pristine and conveniently quiet, and my house is completely destroyed from what has apparently just been my own personal disaster course. I fight through the wreckage of the kitchen as I enter the back kitchen door to the house. The living room floor has been removed and replaced with a 30 foot sinkhole that sucked the couches, flat screen, and PS3 to the depths of hell where no one can enjoy their beauty or applicability. I continue towards the back of the house to my bedroom where somehow, through all of this destruction and chaos, Thriving Ivory can still be heard playing while the soft glow matching the beat of the song can be seen projecting on the walls before I even enter the dark room. I pear inside and see that the song that was originally playing on itunes has now been changed to a music video of the group sitting around staring in the monitor that has presumably risen from the dead after being crushed by an oak tree. The band stops playing, looks me in the eyes and says, "Did you pay for this Download?"

I wake up in a panicked sweat to the sound of "Angels on the moon" being played on repeat on my itunes. The water pouring from my bathroom is no longer there. The oak tree has conveniently stood itself back up outside. The pictures are rehung from the nails which they originally sat upon. So, after gathering myself, I clinched my eyes from the blinding light of the white screen, scrolled through the infinite options itunes 8-point-something has to offer, got my credit card out and paid for the stupid song.

Monday, December 1, 2008

I'm back

So as I'm sure you've all noticed, I've been on a bit of an extended retreat from the blog for the last few months; and before that I've become a bit unreliable in my contributions to the literary plethora that is the individually contributed and maintained world of blogging. I met someone; a girl someone; that made me fall in love so quickly that all I wanted to do was be with her. And when I couldn't be with her all I wanted to do was think about being with her. She lives about 2 and a half hours away from me and the distance between us made things hard. I thought, no, I KNEW it would be alright for me, but I wasn't sure about whether or not it would be alright with her. However, as time moved forwards, I began realizing things about myself that I never knew were there. I learned things about myself that will be significant elements in my advancement in life; and, I learned things about the person I want to become in the future. All because of this girl.

It kind of blows my mind that in life people can makes things so clear and profound, things that once seemed so diluted and possibly invisible to ourselves because the only time we are ever forced to look at ourselves is when we need to make sure our shirt looks good with the shoes we have on. I hadn't taken a look at myself in a while and now that I am, I see that there's quite a bit of house cleaning to do. She has allowed me to be brutally honest with myself in that I am flawed, as are all of us, to a great degree in areas we are almost unaware existed. As an example, I've never really needed to take a look back and see how my values or codes of life have projected onto people simply because I've never had any negative feedback in the past based on my behavior. So just because the lighting in Macy's is a little too bright doesn't mean everyone runs to management and makes a comment for the box (if you see the correlation, not that I'm calling myself Macy's, I'm more of a Salvation Army I would have to guess). The point is, unless someone points out a genuine flaw in our behavior or presence, we are simply going to remain unchanged, and content with ourselves as we are. This is cake, fine, and dandy for little things: I am a bargain guy, I became that way from years of frugality from shopping with my mother(and Bill Fleckenstein's MSN Money updates), and I am never going to try and change that part of me. This is just one of the things that (though others may see it as odd to wear clothes that other people have worn, or to shop at dollars stores like they are going out of business) I am going to do for the rest of my life. However, presenting my beliefs and personal requirements to other people in a way which allows no bending or margin for error on their part is one of my serious flaws. This is something I need to work on.

So I'm back, and I'm needing this as an avenue of therapy and I'm thinking about sending a picture of my disgustingly out of shape body to one of those health magazines so they can make me into some super human health machine and do a before and after picture. Maybe I'll do it for you guys and we can do some kind of "Lose 10 lbs. before Christmas" kind of things. I'll check it out.

It's good to be back. D