Friday, December 14, 2012

I won the lottery you say? I'll take my payout in baby laughs please.

Just found a video of Dave's son Liam from a couple years ago.  If I could love anything as much as this kid loves a barking dog, I would quit my job and do nothing but that thing.  All the time.  Forever.

Nuthin Better Than A Wine Buzz

       Some friends of mine just made my life MUCH more entertaining by purchasing a wine bar here in Carson City.  For any of you out there who have yet to try Bella Fiore downtown, make your way across from the Supreme Court building (3rd Street and Curry) and get your thirst on.  Say hi to Neta and Ray and let them know how much you LOOOOVE wine and you might be lucky enough to get the scoop on any future wine tours they might be planning.  They are open Tuesday through Saturday right now and will be open Sundays starting in a few weeks.

       If you have no one to drink with, call me up.  It's 8 blocks from my house and I'm not known for my ability to make excuses to get out of drinking a bottle of wine.

Bella Fiore Wines is located at 224 South Carson Street (Curry side, across the street from Firkin and Fox), Carson City, NV 89701

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Stuff to check out

So, I tend to listen to music that is more suited to a 16 year old girl because I enjoy upbeat, positive, anthem pop/rock.  Yes, sometimes I listen to queer music, sue me. If you don't get happy when Taylor Swift, The Script, or Katy Perry come on the radio then you have some serious negativity to work out in your life.

That being said, I've been listening to music this morning and actually picked up some pretty fun albums that, if you are anything like me, you would enjoy as well. 

Artist: Boys Like Girls
Album: Crazy World


This is a super fun album that is a mix between their former pop/rock sound with a new country makeover.  It makes for an upbeat, positive vibe, album that has turned into my guilty pleasure.  Check it out if you're into these bands: Capital Lights, Friday Night Boys, All Time Low, One Direction

Artist: Camera Can't Lie
Album: The Album

 A good rock album that is softer around the edges than most.  This album appealed to me because of the full sound, comprehendible lyrics, and the use of acoustic guitars in a lot of their songs.  Just a real chill rock album from a good band.
Check it out if your into these bands: The Maine, Safety Suit, Augustana, Dropping Daylight

Artist: Florida Georgia Line
Album: Here's to the good times

If you don't have this ablum...get it.  This is the country album to party to right now.  So party.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

How-To Wednesday - 11 ways to survive a budgetary apocalypse

So you’re super froggin’ broke.  Maybe you got an unexpected bill this month or had a car break down, or had to take a pet to the vet; only to realize the vet is also broke and is relying on you to pay for the Porsche he bought during his midlife crisis.  Whatever the situation may be, here are a few sure-fire ideas that will help you make it to your next paycheck.


1.       Pawn – Seeing as we all live in the United States (at least all four of us who read this blog), we are definitely privy to overabundance and the joys of financial frivolity.  Look around your house and I promise you will find something you can live without.  Even if it only garners 10 bucks, that still enough for a box of top ramen and gallon of milk.  So bag that random shit that you forgot you had, take to the greasy dude at the Guns/Liquor/Baby Cribs pawn shop and make that money.

2.       Carpool – At one point in my life, I was so broke that I ran my truck out of gas and didn’t turn it back on for 6 weeks.  But I survived.  So take those car keys off the ring, throw them in the freezer and call a friend for a ride.  There’s no shame in begging for rides, as long as you remember who did you a solid when you’re back on your feet and they need a ride.  You’d be surprised at how many great conversations you can have and how many friends you can make bumming rides with people.  Just don’t fart.  No matter what.

3.       Get Frosty – We all enjoy living in 69 degree, climate-controlled, warm and fuzzy houses.  This is one of those luxuries that is burned at the stake when the money dries up.  Go to the hallway, grab that fuckin knob and twist.  Humans don’t die in barely sub 60 degree environments.  It’s only for a week and you’ve been meaning to use that Snuggie you got as a white elephant gift 2 years ago anyway.  While you’re at it, get that shake weight out too, it’ll warm you up.

4.       Drink Water – A human being can live for something like 2 weeks without food, but apparently we turn into big giant pussies when it comes to not drinking water.  Skip a meal here and there and substitute it with 3 or 4 glasses of water; it will fill you up, keep you alive, and by making you have to pee, subsequently give you something to do during commercials.

5.       Be a Friend – At my poorest moment I was still never in any real danger of being homeless or dying of starvation or anything.  Even with zero money, I was always able to hit up a friend or two and find some kind of fun thing going on that happened to have grub at the venue.  I’d grab my bicycle, summon some malnourished strength, and head towards a sandwich.  Rule number one for this method of survival however: You are only allowed to call upon and/or utilize a specific friend once every three weeks, so use your lifelines sparingly and with deliberation.

6.       Call Mom – No matter how old you may be, if your mother is still alive, she wants to feed you.  Mothers never lose their instinctive need to care for their children and there has never been a better time than right now to call mom and beg for a care package.  She’ll even pay the postage.  I survived on a mother-supplied surplus of red vines, granola bars, hot chocolate, and raviolis for 5 days once.  She put FEMA to shame.  Swallow your pride and call your mom, raviolis are fucking delicious.

7.       Hibernate – Nothing passes the time like sleeping.  Now, I know some people will disagree with this method of frugality, but there’s no shame in going to bed right after work in an effort to pass the time until that paycheck shows up.  Even if you get of work at 4:30 in the afternoon.  This is more of a short term solution as depression might start to sink in after more than 4 days of 16hrs a day of sleep.  Then again, once you get paid, take 25 bucks down to the clinic and get some Prozac.  Boom.  Problem solved.

8.       Rice – As bland as it may sound rice is filling, cheap, and only takes water and heat to make edible.  The Japanese/Chinese/Asian Community as a whole have been using this shit for like 900 years and they’re making cars and computers and stuff; you can go a week on a rice diet.  Trailer park it up with some hot sauce or frozen corn and you’ve got yourself something you don’t have to cry over while eating.

9.       Work Thief – Now, this may not be applicable to your employment environment but it was for mine.  Go to the break room or food storage area (fridge, cabinets) at your job and steal that sandwich in the back of the fridge that has been there since yesterday.  Chances are that they’ve forgotten about it and/or aren’t going to get too pissed that it’s missing.  Worst case scenario, they confront you about it and you blame it on Kathy in accounting.  No one like Kathy in accounting.

10.   Embrace – So you’re poor and can’t afford food, or water, or lights.  You’ve been wanting to lose that stubborn 10 lbs and you’ve got 10 candles you’ve been meaning to burn, embrace this opportunity to do both.  I must have lost 20 lbs in 6 weeks when I was super broke; granted my methodology would probably be frowned upon by a nutritionist, but I got results goddamn it.  When the money starts coming again you’ll look back and remember that time you ate nothing but rice for 2 weeks, had uncontrollable diarrhea, slept for 16 hours a day, stole that guy from work with Leukemia’s sandwich and blamed it on Kathy, all while hitching your way around town from people who would just assume rob and murder you than get you where you need to go. 

11.   Get a second Job.

Goddamn Video Games. You're Making Me Feel Stupid

Luis has been helping me, or, we have been helping each other I should say, quit smoking. We are three and a half days in (even half days count in this kind of endeavor) and we haven't taken to drinking bleach or jumping off roofs as consolation for this burden.  It’s a win in my book.


On a more entertaining note, I’ve hit that point in my life where I’m realizing that I might be getting a little too old for video games.  On “Black Saturday”, or whatever it’s called (the day after Black Friday aka Zealous Consumer Contribution Day), I bought all of these video games that were supposed to just be the tits of entertainment.  Needless to say, I’ve played 3 levels of one of the games and the other 2 are still in their packaging.  Secondary assessment comparison – Last night my roommates and I were sitting around talking and someone fired up a snowboarding game that I own (but have only played once or twice) and we decided it would fun to take turns shredding down the digital mountains.  Luis is pretty much great at all of the video games he tries; his 23 year old brain is still mushy with responsive neurons.  It was fun to watch him blast the game apart and make it look easy enough that anyone could have success.  Next up was Allison who, despite her (what I imagine is) lack of experience with Playstation 3, still took to the physics engine side of things, precariously dropped out of the simulated helicopter onto the powder and made her way down the mountain whilst crushing Luis’ time, though lacking in style points.  Both solid showings.  Then Daris took the reins. 


I fell out of the helicopter.  Not even sure how one falls out of the helicopter that (what I thought) was just part of the initial video before the user even assumes control of the character.  Then, using my precision hand eye coordination and venerable trash talking skills, proceeded to fall all the way down the Korean designed, digitally rendered, Kilimanjaro landscape.  Why they let us snowboard some Tanzanian or African mountain (I don’t really know where Mt Kilimanjaro is located as you can clearly tell), I’ll never know.  What I do know is that, after only 6 or 7 minutes of completing only 15% of the run, I was ready to burn my fucking house down out of pure frustration.  I then proceeded to go outside, hang even more Christmas lights, change the headlamps in the Chevy, and shovel soggy, half frozen leaves from my side yard; all at 8:30pm.  Pissed.


I guess it’s just time that I admit to myself that I may not be as good as I once was at this video game business, but maybe that’s not a bad thing.  Three or four more tries at that game and my Christmas lights will be Griswold worthy, my truck will essentially be brand new, and there won’t be a goddamn leaf within 90 feet of my property.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Back to Business

So, I got the new roommates moved in and everything is settling in nicely.  I’ve neglected the sense of urgency to expedite my weight loss over the last two weeks or so, which has caught up with me.  I went to the gym last night for the first time in a few weeks and tried to do the regiment I was at prior to my break and, I’ll tell you what, if I didn’t think I was making progress before, it’s extremely apparent now.  This is both confidence inspiring as well as a bit daunting.  At least I know that I was making progress two or three weeks ago (when it felt like I was simply working for no result at the time) and that means that the same scenarios that are evoked during my revitalized workout schedule (ie Pessimism, Procrastination, Doubt) are all very much surmountable.   Also, I know that the work I was doing before was actually improving my health (both physically and emotionally) seeing as I am unable to achieve the degree of resistance in my exercising in addition to having lost some of my energy and positivity over these last two or three weeks.


Hopefully I’ll be able to get back into my routine with a bit more ease and re-establish my progress.  Luckily one of my new roommates is just as motivated as I am to get healthy over the winter.  He even got me to sign up for an intramural softball league that starts in the spring.  Just another motivator to get me going; seeing as the holidays are upon us and the caloric jihad against my dietary restrictions is in full effect.


Hope you are having a great weekend and looking forward to the Holidays!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Seeking Roommate. Must like Awesome.

So I'm officially on the hunt for a roommate to add to the already incredible duo we have at the house. The following is a highly exaggerated requirement list of the ideal candidate:

1.       Will love Captain Crunch cereal.  This is purposely number 1 on the list.  Clutch.

2.       Can laugh at their own stupidity.  No one likes a know-it-all…everyone likes a makes-fun-of-it-all.

3.       Can ride a Shetland Pony as hilariously as Sherlock Homes does in the second Sherlock Holmes movie.

4.       Has seen the second Sherlock Holmes movie.

5.       Can survive in a home where the thermostat maxes out at 69 degrees F.  It’s not the thermostat itself, per say, but more the me.

6.       Enjoys snowboarding/skiing in the winter…and isn’t offended when I go two runs down the hill and then go slosh up at the lodge for the rest of the day.

7.       Know how to fix a flat tire on their own car.  It shows the spirit and go get’m attitude that translates nicely into an excellent water balloon fight teammate.

8.       Though they don’t need to know the rules of NFL Football, they need to be able to unnoticeably feign interest in one way or another.

9.       Has a desire to paint their room and/or make the house someway unique to their personality.  No penis drawings.

10.   Can take a morning shower in under 10 minutes.  Otherwise, is comfortable showering at the Y.

11.   Can go chip for chip with me in the realm of nacho cheese consumption.  You can tell the strength of someone’s will by the amount of time it takes their tongue to go numb from Tostitos cheese poisoning.

12.   Has no qualms with holiday cheer.  If you don’t like Christmas, you need to find Jesus and get your life together.

13.   Doesn’t complain about cheap wine.  Most of the time I can’t tell the difference between middle of the road wine and…side of the road…wine, and I can get 2 bottles for the price of 1.  Should you disagree, BYOB.

14.   Complains about cheap scotch.  You can totally tell the difference between middle of the road scotch and…side of the road…scotch, and I’d rather get 1 bottle for the price of 2.  Should you disagree, it doesn’t matter because don’t touch my scotch, that’s why.

15.   Doesn’t get offended when I forget their birthday.  The only reason I remember my own is because people on Facebook get a reminder and then send me messages reminding me that it’s my birthday.

16.   Instead of complaining that one of the toilet seats is up or down, just (wo)man’s up and just puts it up or down.  I do it all the time and have NEVER thought to myself, “This is just the biggest goddamn inconvenience of my day.” Never have I thought that.

17.   Doesn’t clip their toenails in front of me.  One of my childhood friend’s fathers clipped his toenails in front of me when I was a kid and one hit me in the face from a ridiculous distance and angle and I almost threw up.  Scarred.

18.   Takes the time to learn the “New seasons of Parks and Recreation on Netflix” dance.   Lessons included in rent.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Got me a big ol' sack a Twitter

What’s the word Internet! 
It’s been a busy few days and, seeing as I’m the only one who reads this piece, I took a week or so off to be awesome and gather some fun times to share.  First, let’s touch on the diet that I’ve been so emphatic on keeping publicly available.  I am now 4 lbs lighter than when I started (which in reality isn’t that much based on my weight), but, it’s not 4 lbs heavier!  My activity level has been diminished due to the release of Madden13 which is mind-bendingly addicting as well as my need to appreciate these last fleeting days of sunshine.  That being said, I’m back in the saddle and ready to laugh.

So, per usual, I’m half a decade behind the times and just started using Twitter and it turns out that there’s already a Daris Smith in this world that isn’t me and already knows about Twitter.  So, thanks to that guy’s parents for crushing my dreams of being @DarisSmith so I’m stuck with @SmithDaris, which, frankly I think partitions me into the more tame end of the nominative spectrum.  But, seeing as it takes a bunch of time to get on here and blurt out a bunch of nonsense, I figured I’d give the whole, “140 characters or less” thing a try and see if I can be more succinct in my clouded cerebral wanderings.  Silver lining, the other Daris’ Twitter updates are disreputably un-entertaining, making it fairly easy to distinguish us apart.  So there’s that.

Also, I’ve gotten into making iced tea and let’s just say that, other than my keen sense of smell and the ability to sleep through car alarms, my strongest talent may lie in the art of brewing tea.  The secret is to have no idea what you’re doing but to confidently stick to drinking every brewed drop with a smile on your face.  It sells the whole thing.  Now, have I made some sickeningly horrific tea concoctions? Yes. Have I thrown any away, thereby admitting defeat in my prowess for tea brewing?  Hells no.  Let me tell you, I’ve drank some gnarly teas these last couple of weeks but I’ve also brewed some stuff you could bottle and sell to Lipton at a little over cost.  That’s the dream.  Lol.  On a tea-making note, never try and brew any kind of cinnamon tea.  It comes out tasting like what I imagine Jabba the Hutt’s back sweat would taste like.

Doodle from joshealey

Check me out on Twitter @SmithDaris for the daily observations and mindless jabberwocky.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Admitting It

        Totally went to the gym last night, and this morning.  I’ve grabbed my horrifying sedentary lifestyle and poor eating habits by the nards and twisted.  So, as a change, instead of just writing down the things I’ve been doing (working out and eating wise), I’ve decided to share some of the food and fitness related embarrassments that I’ve committed over the course of my weight inflation.  I’m sure that many of you have done the some of the same things but have just been ashamed to admit it (maybe even to yourself); but I feel like I owe it to myself to write them down and get them out so I can move past it.

1.       I’ve gotten home early and taken food to my room and hid it before anyone else got home so I could eat it in bed and no one would see me sneaking it when they were around.

2.       I’ve made excuses NOT to go out with friends because I wanted to eat junk food and stay at home and watch television.

3.       I’ve eaten an ENTIRE large Round Table pizza to myself.

4.       I’ve lied about what I’ve eaten in a day because I was embarrassed to admit it to someone.

5.       I’ve knowingly sacrificed my health for crap food that just made me feel bad about myself.

6.       I get annoyed with watching people eat because of what food means to me.

7.       I’ve actually been addicted to fast food and gotten genuinely upset when I can’t have it.

8.       I forgot what a plum, peach, and mango tasted like.

9.       I wear sweatshirts when it’s hot outside because I don’t like what I look like in t-shirts.

10.   I haven’t been outside without a shirt on in 3 years (even in my own yard).

11.   I’ve had a hangover at least two days a week for as long as I can remember.

12.   My mental acuteness has suffered because of my unhealthy lifestyle.

13.   I’m almost positive I have made irreversible damages to my body and length of life due to my behavior.

14.   I find it incredibly hard to have a meaningful relationship with a woman because I am so insecure about my own body and behavior.

      These are some of the things that I have tried to hide from everyone as well as myself over the course of nearly half a decade.  Now that I can look at this list, it really instills conflicted emotions, both of sadness and joy; I am sad that I let my life become so unmanageable and depressing but at the same time I see the huge gap of improvement I am able to make by changing.  I can’t say whether I’ll stick to this whole lifestyle improvement or not, but I can say one thing for sure, I’ve never been able to admit to the things above to anyone, not even myself.  This is a good start.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Thank you Monday Night Football!

I got home last night and was pretty fired up to work out but then I realized that Monday Night Football was on, so…I was standing in my living room with my gym bag in hand and re-enacted the battle scene from Braveheart in my mind.  Only, on one side I had beer and MNF and on the other hand I had responsibility and accountability for the goals I’ve made for myself.  After a rough confliction I decided to sacrifice football in the name of health and went to the gym.  Now, the gym has televisions on the treadmills and other machines but every time I’ve been to the gym is either been all the televisions only showing the political conventions or static, so I’ve discontinued turning them on and simply run to my headphones.  This time however, I gave it a shot and what do you know, MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL WAS ON!!  I ended up on the treadmill until I felt like I might pass out.  It was awesome. 
This is how I feel today. Super Awesome.  And a solid B Cup.
It turns out that the DirecTv system was messed up before and they just got it fixed.  589 super quick calories later I feel awesome today and brought my gym bag.  But, seeing as it’s Tuesday and there’s no football on, let’s hope they get FOX so I can watch some 2 ½ Men and Big Bang. 

I think my lack of cable and their abundance of it may be the spark I needed to get to the gym.  Who would have that the thing that makes me lazy at home would be my inspiration to be active somewhere else?

Monday, September 17, 2012

My Diet is a Gorilla

Imagine the following:

A giant gorilla holds a Baskin-Robbins hostage for its entire mint chocolate chip supply; it then proceeds to make its way over to the Cheesecake Factory and gnarf down three times its body weight in delicious treats, only to realize it’s still hungry.  Cut to a Papa Murphy’s that will never recover from the damage he has caused; windows bashed in, small high school student employees crying and trying to identify the bandit…and there’s now a worldwide shortage of pepperoni.

This was my diet this weekend.  A full blown rampage of culinary catastrophe blended with an insatiable need to destroy any and all hope my diet had for survival.  It was a blood bath.

So.  Here I am.  Monday morning.  Luckily the gorilla was killed by a couple of snickers bars at nine forty five last night and he retreated back to his cave of shame and heartburn.  May he rest in peace (the shit eating bastard).  Now I pick up the pieces and start anew; gorilla free.  I’m pretty sure I should have more self control than this. 

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

When there's beer involved, I honestly suck at fitness.

       In the spirit of what this whole series of the blog is about, I feel like accountability is the most important thing; and, in that, honesty is paramount.  So, last night I was all ready to go to the gym after work and then our logistics rep came to the office and gave us a $50 “Appreciation Incentive” gift card.  Super stoked.  So I grabbed Dave and we headed over for a pint…or three.  And thennn, on the way home, Liz and I stopped at the gas station and loaded up on cookies (for her) and some cold ones (for me).  We then proceeded to go home and watch guilty pleasure television and lay on the sofas like a couple of atrophically, useless, broken legs. Long story short, I was the epitome of a fat, lazy, sack of shit last night and essentially did the opposite of go to the gym.  Sorry for letting you down Healthy Daris, every week can’t be a winner buddy.  I’ll make it up to you.

In the spirit of making myself feel better, I present to you a picture of my brother.  Whom I love dearly.  And who has made me laugh continuously since 1988.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Back in the Saddle

So the wedding this weekend was great.  Good times were had by all.  I went into the weekend hoping to accomplish 2 things; number 1 – Don’t spend too much money; number 2 – Don’t drink too many beers and blow my diet.  I’m 1 for 2 as of today.  I only spent something like 38 bucks this weekend which was AWESOME (20 of which was spent on a bottle of Jameson that was purchased by the wedding party; the bottle itself I then presented to the head of the wedding party as a drunken gift).  So, to the beers…I drank many.  BUT, it’s a wedding, and if I’m going to drink many beers, where be a better place? 

Always hilarious to go through pictures of the boquet toss and see your uncle going for the leap

Back to the diet, I made a militant amount of zucchini, squash, and those swirly green and beige wheat noodles last night so I should be set for a couple of days on that stuff.  I am going to the gym today to hit my interval hill treadmill program (for the first time since Thursday). L  So I don’t have much to report on my recent workouts as they are non-existent, but, writing this stuff down is accountability 101 and it will guarantee I have something to report tomorrow!
Wheat sprial noodles, squash, zucchini, and pasta sauce.  Om Nom Nom.

Also, I signed up for a website called which, other than being a totally great website for tracking your weight loss / healthy lifestyle habits, also is a great tool for paring with your accountability journal.  I highly recommend checking it out.  As I’m still figuring out how to properly use the site to track my progress (it is my first day on the site after all) I don’t really have any pointers or highlights yet; I’ll keep you posted as I figure them out.

Friday, September 7, 2012


Doing alright. Day 4.

Hit the sit up bench with a fury last night and now can barely breathe without wincing slightly.  Did three sets of twenty on the incline sit-up bench and did some elliptical but that was it; still pretty sore and tired from the last two days.  Good news is, I have been sticking to my dietary restrictions that have been making me more “regular” in the “poo poo” department which is super nice.  Aaand, I’ve been waking up an hour earlier than normal and going to be an hour earlier at night.  I’m not going to get on the scale until day 7 so I can have a decent representation of my change. 


The hurdle…


I am going to a wedding in California this weekend and I know I am going to be eating less-than-optimally; not to mention the copious amounts of champagne and beer I’m sure I’ll be consuming.  So, I am kind of hoping that I am able to keep it under control and not waste the last three days. 


Bright Side…


I am super broke so that will keep me from going to bars and stuff like that.  Open bar consumption only.  Also, my cousin is getting married, so that’s definitely a bright side.


Dinner last night was pretty basic.  Thanks to a friend who gave me two of the LARGEST vegetables I’ve ever seen in my life.  Squash and Zucchini with some BBQ’d corn on the cob.

Don't eat with fingers directly from grill.  You'll burn your mouth and cry in front of you dog.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

So sore. Must not sneeze. Might cry.

     I started working out on Tuesday (like I've been saying I would do since 2007). As I am still a light-mild smoker, I am taking it kind of easy on the heavy breathing stuff and focusing on the intensity cardio. Example, the last two days I've done an hour on the treadmill using the following intervals:

Speed level: 4 (15 min mile) for a 3 minute warm up.

Incline level: 2 at Speed level 4 for 4 minutes.

Back to flat land at Speed level 4 for 1.50 minutes.

Jump to speed level 7 on flat ground for a running 2 minutes.

Back to flat land at Speed level 4 for 1.50 minutes.

Incline level: 4 at Speed level 4 for 4 minutes.

I then simply alternate between a Zero Incline for 1 minute intervals and an Level 4 Incline for 4 minutes for about a half an hour, keeping the speed at a level 4 (15 minute mile) the whole time. This keeps my heart rate alternating in a higher range. If I need a rest, I don't change my Incline alternations; I just drop my speed slightly until I feel rested enough to re-pace.

In my last 10 minutes I go backwards down the progression:

After my last level 4 incline, I go to my flat land 1.50 minute rest and then do a 2 minute run at Speed level 7. After that, I finish out at 3.5 Speed level and cry myself to the cleaning spray bottle to disinfect my sweat covered treadmill.

I've found that (because I am unable to consistently run due to my shitty, soot coated, lungs) this lower paced, hi intensity walking routine is actually KICKING MY ASS and I'm feeling real good.

Dinner for the last two nights has consisted of stir fry veggies and rice.


I am going to need to get on diversifying my meals but I'm broke right now so I'm going through my freezer, cleaning out the things I've been too unhealthy to bother making. Face it, I don't keep Burger King in my freezer.  However, now that I'm avoiding eating anywhere but at home, I'm finding there's some surprisingly good grub in the back of my freezer from the last time I was going to "make a healthy change".

Alright accountability log, ttyl.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Hit the Dodger game today. Hollywood Suite style.
Good first day back in LA!!

Friday, June 22, 2012

Doggie Aftermath

So Liz's mom is in town and she is kind enough to have taken the time to repair all of the dog toys in the house that have been annihilated or mutilated.  Now we have half a dozen misfit stuffed animals with missing eyes and legs and noses hanging out on the kitchen table.  It's essentially the best way to start any vacation Friday.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Remember cheese and crackers!? Holy crap this just made my day.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Happiness is...quite Confusing.

So I bought a motorcycle the other day, a "Crotch-Rocket" if you will. I am extremely excited (apart from the 40mpg I am now getting) because I have wanted one for a long time and have always enjoyed riding dirt bikes and bumming a friend or family member's street bike for the occasional short ride. The smell of the outdoors, the wind, the ability to maneuver through an otherwise stagnant and uninteresting A-Z relocation. All of it. It's supremely invigorating.


After sharing news of my new acquisition, along with my overstated joy, with people around me, I am finding that more and more folks, rather than simply embracing my happiness or at least feigning delight, are coming across as completely negative. Saying things like, "You're going to kill yourself", or, "You realize that that is not a smart purchase, right?". I even had one person tell me (hand to God), "As long as you sign your life insurance policy over to me I'll be happy for you".

Totally mind blowing.

I understand (at least I am hoping this is the case) that people are more than likely stating their concern for my well being and, in one fashion or another, conveying their desire to see me explore the world safely. But c'mon. 90% of the people I have told about this bike have presented their “support” in a manner all too grim without even asking about my experience on a motorcycle.  Based on the response of my test group, I have to imagine that everyone I’ve polled in this regard must know someone who has had an incredibly bad accident on a motorcycle similar to mine.  90% of the members of my encounters MUST have firsthand negative experience with a street bike; or else, what would cause this reaction? I promise you that not everyone I’ve told has known someone involved in a motorcycle accident.  Many of them aren't people even slightly connected to anything 2-wheeled, yet they somehow have the right to show their support through vocalizing my horrific hypothetical demise.  Thanks for that.

Let me ask you, has there ever been good news (for you) that has been received so negatively by such a wide range of people that it made you upset to share?

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Tax This

So I was checking out my paycheck this morning and it began to sink in that 25% of my income goes to the government. I've known that since the day I received my first paycheck but that knowledge morphed into something a bit different for some reason today. After that 25% of my (and everyone else's, paycheck) gets taken by the government, it then gets (we assume) distributed to areas of Federal expenditure which have a delegated percentage requirement for all of our taxable income. Makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is that the Federal Deficit continues to grow due to a lack of financial responsibility with the money that is taken from the citizens; meaning the government is taking our money, blowing it on shit that we can’t afford, then getting into debt (which has accruing interest to be the burden of our children) with the other lenders it needs to seek into order to fund its expenditures. A household could not function under this balance sheet. Anyone can stand back and take a look at the simplistic nature of economics by peering into their own wallet and realizing that if they only make 500 dollars a week, and they need to spend 700 dollars a week, they are going to need to use a credit card or cut the fat from their expenses in order to stay afloat. Instead of cutting the fat, the government is in the habit of using credit in the forms of overseas lending, domestic sales of bonds to private holders, and even initiating additional taxes which tax its citizens again on money that was initially taxed upon earning. For example, if you make money (in addition to your initial investment) on the sale of a house, or the sale of a stock, you are expected to pay an additional 25% tax (assuming your tax income rate is 25%). That means that smart Americans who have invested the money they’ve earned (essentially benefitting the local/national/global economy) are then penalized on the return they receive for the risk they took to stimulate the economy. AND THEN, that money is mismanaged by a National government who removes that money from the local economy to spend on a black-hole National debt which cannot be feasibly paid off in this, or the next five generation’s, lifetimes. “Hey Daris, we know this already. What’s the point?”

The Point.

If the government has gotten us into such a goddamn disaster with our economic outlook using my (and your) money, and I will NOT benefit from the continued taxation I receive from my government, I don’t want to pay taxes anymore. I mean, if we’re going to go down in the financial flames of a teenager with an AMEX card, then I want to make sure I get that little shit to buy me something sweet before the Feds come to arrest him. However, should I withdraw from my civic “duty” of taxation, I would simply be adding to the burden of some other sap’s taxes to house me in Federal Prison. So, I propose that the government allow every tax payer the right to designate 25% of their adjusted tax percentage to an area of their choosing. I would continue to pay taxes knowing that 25% of my taxes (approx 6% of my income) the government is slipping out of my pocket was going somewhere that it will do the most good; not to some 30 million dollar military training exercise in San Diego (almost 25% of the National Budget is allocated to “Defense” by the way), or to pay for someone who didn’t plan for their own retirement. Side bar – I don’t believe in Social Security; if you didn’t have the foresight to save for your elderly self, tough shit, looks like you’re working until you die. If I knew that I could allocate 6% of my income to a local, worthy, entity (it could even be a state government program); I would have no problem paying my taxes with a smile. If the Federal Government wants to shoot itself in the foot, pushing responsibility down the river until the tides of change grip the U.S.A., go for it. But I promise you this: my local economy will not be on that sinking ship. Citizens are responsible on a per capita basis, but once our money is put into the hands of a number crunching, heartless, corporation-like entity, the humanity of the world is compromised and the cogs in the machine (taxpayers) are forgotten.

Just my two cents.
Which were taxed upon distribution.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Redondo Beach Brewing Company

Fish and Chips. Joe drinking beer and telling stories. Got to see the nieces. It was a good day. Now I have to get on a plane, kinda drunk, and try not hit on the 60+ year old woman who will no doubt sit right next to me and smell like Coconut and Ben-Gay. Be strong Daris.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Red...

Just found a new beer. It's like if Lucille Ball had sex with an earthquake. They call it "The Red". Try it.

Made it

So, I made it through the crazy masses that encompass the LAX airport. Went to dinner at Waterman's for seared ahi and it was legendary...per usual. Got back to the spread and Morgan was nice enough to have purchased Daris' favorite beer, Sierra Nevada's Ruthless Rye. Good man. Now I'm watching him try and navigate through a sea of cables to make music come from the television. Hilarious. Oop, he just got it. There's something about this place that makes even the most menial endeavor seem fun. Example: I just petted a cat in the hallway of the house...good time. Granted, this cat has been terrified of me from day one so that might have something to do with my excitement over his accepting me. Aaannyyway. Now listening to Memory by Sugarcult thereby successfully completing the perfect day. TTYT.

LA, once again

So back to LA for the fun and non-frugality that every decent trip provides. Sitting at the airpot bar and this "gentleman" walks up next to me and says, "So, where are your wines from"? After my noticeably over the top eye roll, the guy orders a merlot...a fucking merlot. Alright then Mondavi, I'm pretty sure you going to be that dude I end up sitting next on my flight. You'll tell me all about the money you have and the places you've been. You'll be that guy who "this one time sat next to Michael Jordan" like one of those commercials on television. It's Southwest fool, MJ rolls solo. GOD. I just want to be there.

Stay up. It's gonna be a good one.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Holy High School Reunion

Ok, so...just realized my 10 YEAR high school reunion is this year, apparently sometime in June and I am about half-way prepared for it. In every conceivable sense of the phrase. I haven't really done anything spectacular with my life, which is essentially the status quo for my generation, thank God. I am still single; which I'm hoping doesn't read aloud anything I can't see as the first party. And, to top it off, I'm a college drop-out. Where does this leave me as far as areas of conversation are concerned? Totally buttholed, that's where.

Luckily, to stretch the silver lining as thin as possible, I have 4 or 5 months to get my shit together and try and develop some kind of ammunition for the sake of un-embarrassing banter. I'm breaking this shit down into 3 categories of self-improvement: Physical Fitness, Finance, and Wardrobe.

The way these three categories are going to be enhanced will directly affect my confidence upon attending the aforementioned reunion.

Challenge Accepted.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Dear Stress, take a chill pill

So, there are some things in life that we tend to overlook in regards to their being "triggers". Whether it be a shitty driver on the 5 or a vending machine with a grudge against your last dollar bill. These elements which exist in all of our lives are not only surmountable but are regularly arbitrary. The deadline you have on a paper that you are completely aware you should have completed three weeks ago; the in-laws you so dreadfully despise spending time with (the reason for which you have long since forgotten); the day you can't afford to buy your pack of cigarettes, leading to a well thought out and mentally executed beating of the Starbucks employee who got your drink order a little wrong. These are the things that we face today; things that seem like galaxy destroying, spirit crushing, religion seeking catastrophes. But grace bestowed, there is an answer. A finite and absolute conclusion to your woes.

Calm the fuck down.

Imagine a world where someone walks into a door every time you safely manage to enter. A world where someone farts at an inopportune time twice in one day; always right in front of you. A reality comprised of a child swearing at a Disney employee while you eat cotton candy and giggle. That's what I'm talking about.

Like Al Pacino so poetically recited Oliver Stone's line, "The world is yours". The world is as calm as you perceive it. I still remember the first time someone caught me picking my nose in a classroom (literally one of the most embarrassing times in my life) and the first time I farted in a public...library. Yeah. I can recall at one point in my life where I actually argued that wearing a shoe three sizes too large actually made girls think you were hung like a horse and read like Hemingway. True stories. Unfortunately.

My point is this: when stress creeps its heavy hand upon your shoulder, take a look at what's important in the world, assess your current stressful situation and think, "Will 5-years-from-now-me give a shit about this problem?". Probably not. And then think about something funny. A dog pooping on a squirrel. An Olsen twin eating an entire pie as fast as she possibly can. A grouchy old person peeing their pants and laughing about it. The most embarrassing thing your mother ever did in front of you (that one is usually pretty comical if you really think about it. Mom's are hilarious).

There are so many Third World Problems (TWP) going on that you have to understand the relativity between your stresses and other's in-escabables. You've never ridden in a car. You can't read. You don't know where your next meal is coming from, or when it might be. You live in a city without a toilet...or a hospital.

Let's just say that "Stress" is relative to your situation, and people, our situation is a First World Situation (FWS). The biggest consequence of our biggest situation right now, whether you're read-up enough to know it or not, is ending up 1/10th as poor of as a majority of the developing world.

So grab a smile, read a decent book once a year, drink a beer, go for a walk. Because in a country filled with FWSs, we have no right to make our problems seem serious.

Calm the fuck down.


Monday, January 23, 2012

Screw the Super Bowl

So at the beginning of the year I said (out loud) that as long as the Super Bowl didn't include either the Colts, Patriots, Steelers, or Giants it would be a good one. Let someone else play for a little bit. Jeez. The Jets are no prize, I'm not insinuating that we even remotely deserve to be at the Super Bowl; we don't. I would just like to see someone exciting go to the Super Bowl, a team that makes it in Cinderella fashion. Maybe a team that hasn't been for a little while. The Lions? The Browns? The Bills? THE NINERS? Whatever, being a Jets fans, I'm bias against New England so the Pats can snort chowder. Also, Eli Manning (whom I'm convinced is actually Nat Faxon's little sister) and the Giants always seem to find a way to throw a wrench in shit and crush dreams for everyone else. Is anyone really even a Giants fan? I mean really?? Ben Roethlisberger looks like a down syndrome version of Jason Segel and I cannot bring myself to take the Steelers seriously because of it. I also feel like he might be a closet rapist. Not like the go-all-the-way, hold a knife to your throat, kind of rapist, but one of those overly insistent, aggressive, frat-boy kinds of rapists. As for the Colts, they made the list purely because I feel like (prior to this year) were the best team in football and whatever underdog team made it to the Super Bowl wouldn't stand a chance against them. But they've had it hard enough this year, so we'll take it easy on the Colts.

Long story short, I'm thinking we need to just say FU to the Super Bowl this year, click over to Animal Planet and get super competative about some Puppy Bowl action while snarfing nachos and doing keg stands.