Friday, January 27, 2012

Dear Stress, take a chill pill

So, there are some things in life that we tend to overlook in regards to their being "triggers". Whether it be a shitty driver on the 5 or a vending machine with a grudge against your last dollar bill. These elements which exist in all of our lives are not only surmountable but are regularly arbitrary. The deadline you have on a paper that you are completely aware you should have completed three weeks ago; the in-laws you so dreadfully despise spending time with (the reason for which you have long since forgotten); the day you can't afford to buy your pack of cigarettes, leading to a well thought out and mentally executed beating of the Starbucks employee who got your drink order a little wrong. These are the things that we face today; things that seem like galaxy destroying, spirit crushing, religion seeking catastrophes. But grace bestowed, there is an answer. A finite and absolute conclusion to your woes.

Calm the fuck down.

Imagine a world where someone walks into a door every time you safely manage to enter. A world where someone farts at an inopportune time twice in one day; always right in front of you. A reality comprised of a child swearing at a Disney employee while you eat cotton candy and giggle. That's what I'm talking about.

Like Al Pacino so poetically recited Oliver Stone's line, "The world is yours". The world is as calm as you perceive it. I still remember the first time someone caught me picking my nose in a classroom (literally one of the most embarrassing times in my life) and the first time I farted in a public...library. Yeah. I can recall at one point in my life where I actually argued that wearing a shoe three sizes too large actually made girls think you were hung like a horse and read like Hemingway. True stories. Unfortunately.

My point is this: when stress creeps its heavy hand upon your shoulder, take a look at what's important in the world, assess your current stressful situation and think, "Will 5-years-from-now-me give a shit about this problem?". Probably not. And then think about something funny. A dog pooping on a squirrel. An Olsen twin eating an entire pie as fast as she possibly can. A grouchy old person peeing their pants and laughing about it. The most embarrassing thing your mother ever did in front of you (that one is usually pretty comical if you really think about it. Mom's are hilarious).

There are so many Third World Problems (TWP) going on that you have to understand the relativity between your stresses and other's in-escabables. You've never ridden in a car. You can't read. You don't know where your next meal is coming from, or when it might be. You live in a city without a toilet...or a hospital.

Let's just say that "Stress" is relative to your situation, and people, our situation is a First World Situation (FWS). The biggest consequence of our biggest situation right now, whether you're read-up enough to know it or not, is ending up 1/10th as poor of as a majority of the developing world.

So grab a smile, read a decent book once a year, drink a beer, go for a walk. Because in a country filled with FWSs, we have no right to make our problems seem serious.

Calm the fuck down.


Monday, January 23, 2012

Screw the Super Bowl

So at the beginning of the year I said (out loud) that as long as the Super Bowl didn't include either the Colts, Patriots, Steelers, or Giants it would be a good one. Let someone else play for a little bit. Jeez. The Jets are no prize, I'm not insinuating that we even remotely deserve to be at the Super Bowl; we don't. I would just like to see someone exciting go to the Super Bowl, a team that makes it in Cinderella fashion. Maybe a team that hasn't been for a little while. The Lions? The Browns? The Bills? THE NINERS? Whatever, being a Jets fans, I'm bias against New England so the Pats can snort chowder. Also, Eli Manning (whom I'm convinced is actually Nat Faxon's little sister) and the Giants always seem to find a way to throw a wrench in shit and crush dreams for everyone else. Is anyone really even a Giants fan? I mean really?? Ben Roethlisberger looks like a down syndrome version of Jason Segel and I cannot bring myself to take the Steelers seriously because of it. I also feel like he might be a closet rapist. Not like the go-all-the-way, hold a knife to your throat, kind of rapist, but one of those overly insistent, aggressive, frat-boy kinds of rapists. As for the Colts, they made the list purely because I feel like (prior to this year) were the best team in football and whatever underdog team made it to the Super Bowl wouldn't stand a chance against them. But they've had it hard enough this year, so we'll take it easy on the Colts.

Long story short, I'm thinking we need to just say FU to the Super Bowl this year, click over to Animal Planet and get super competative about some Puppy Bowl action while snarfing nachos and doing keg stands.