Wednesday, February 23, 2011

We have a better Mascot than you

I swear to god, any time Liam makes a funny face, you're at risk of cracking your sternum from laughter.

And no, Kenny, that's not our lamp.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Oh snap, did I do that?

15 ways to tell you've had far too much to drink in a given day (sadly, most are from personal experience. Apparently I need a life coach or some kind of intervention).

1. You've gotten into someone's vehicle parked in front of an establishment and just assumed they would operate as a city cab.

2. In an effort to get laid, pretended to be a celebrity that you clearly look absolutely NOTHING like...and you later find out was on the live television show that was playing above the bar. Not proud of that one.

3. Tried to ride any domestic animal as a rodeo clown.

4. Peeled the plastic wrapper off the individually packaged slices of cheese and eaten the plastic instead of the cheese.

5. Stolen a handicapped person's...anything.

6. Climbed something so high that you got scared once you looked down and got "petri-stuck".

7. Peed on someone's car tire... and had the car alarm go a crowded parking lot.

8. Microwaved Captain Crunch.

9. Sang kareoke at a memorial wake which you mistook as a buddy's company party with an open bar.

10. Thinking you were getting hot with "Charleen" when in reality you've one-way "sexted" you're 65 year old neighbor named "Charlie"...for like 15 minutes. Woops.

11. Ridden a riding lawnmower indoors.

12. Made it all the way to the front door, in the dark, after a one night stand, only to realize your sneaking out of your own house.

13. Turned a drunken Hat-Trick: You've invented a word, invented a product, and invented a drink all in one night. Unfortunately you can't remember any of them the next day, just that you did it.

14. Having actually drank yourself sober. It is a fact that if you drink enough Patron in one night, you will involentarily start drinking water and sober up. Granted, I just made the fact up, but I'm so removed from reality these days that I'm delusional to the point of believing pretty much anything I conjure up. Soooo, fact.

15. Instead of getting upset about losing your phone or wallet the night before, called your buddies and made a drinking game of re-collecting your goods and belongings in a scavanger hunt-style operation the next day.

Man, my liver does NOT miss college.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

KidKenny Tat

Respect. Welcome to the collection Kid Kenny. :)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Oldies but Goodies

So I have decided to move to a different country. The United States is getting to be too much of a pain in the ass with all the Bureaucratic bullshit and nonsense that comes with living in this country:

I don't want to pay $11 a gallon.

I don't want to go to war for some stupid asshole who knows what's best for me.

I don't want to stand in line at Wal-Mart with the lingering smell of Aqua Velva and disappointment flowing through my nostrils while waiting to be mugged in the parking lot.

I don't want to be subjected to the exhaust from a 1983 Chevy 1-ton next to me at the stop light with a 1981 over-the-cab camper filled with illegitimate children and empty whiskey bottles.

I don't want to go to the movies and see the same laughless, stupid shit over and over again while resenting every bite of my 14 dollar bag of popcorn.

I don't want to listen to stupid ringtones that reflect what kind of person someone is based on their societal views and their rebellious nature.

I don't want to be laughed at by Canada for being identified as the country with fat, out of shape, pieces of shit as occupants; Canadians are French.

I don't want to know what a corn dog is.

I don't ever want to see Oprah again.

I want to drink water that doesn't have to be treated with two dozen chemicals in order to be considered "clean".

I want to see a tree that was grown from a seed that fell from another tree; as opposed to being planted by some hippie organization that defends the rights of organic vegetable farmers and alternative fuel powered vehicle producers.

I don't want to be owned by technology.

I want my neighbor to own a record player so I can borrow records.

I want to ride a bicycle without the fear of being hit by a car full of 17 year old high school drop-outs on the way to mug someone in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

I want to water my lawn on odd and even days.

I want to use rabbit ears on my television without being threatened by a cable company.

I want to take the train without having to ride next to imported goods or milled timber.

I don't want to be criticized for not voting.

I want my currency to be worth more than the ink used to produce it.

I want to live by a beach that isn't populated by actors/waiters/waitresses.

I want to live in a country where the GDP isn't overshadowed by the profits of a Toby McGuire movie.

I don't want to be so hated that I have to worry about "Homeland Security".

I don't want to think that "Two Buck Chuck" is good wine.

I want to go see a play without being made fun of for going and seeing a play.

I want to work 30 hours a week and still be able to pay my bills.

I want to be able to hit on a girl while wearing either a scarf, a sweater vest, or suspenders.

I want to tell a topically relevant anecdote and not be ostracized for being pretentious.

I want to sleep for an entire Wednesday.

I want to live in a country that's had a war on it's own soil.

I don't want to get a ticket for smoking (yeah you Belmont).

So that's what's up with me today.

See Ken, they're just like Jewel...sans penis.

Awe, man...bag

Kenny's a Chinaman

Good morning

Valentine's Day was pretty much an ugly wash this year. I knew that I was just going to mope around the house, eat spaghetti, and watch movies featuring people being happy but once I found out the person who was supposed to be my Valentine was doing the same thing, I felt a little better about the sitchiation. Happy Tuesday.

Monday, February 14, 2011

BUTTer Cookies

The office manager was nice enough to bring in some cookies wearing women's panties today. We all thought they were going to taste like ass but they were alright. ;)

Elton John raped a Peacock

The Grammy's have successfully dualed as the tryouts for Celebrity Rehab.

CeeLo - "I Fuckin' Love Crack"

GwenPal - "Cee, honey, we're gonna go for a car ride, ok."

CeeLo - "I'm a mother fuckin' Peacock!!!!"

Friday, February 11, 2011

Nevada on Friday

Everyone in Nevada talks about gambling everywhere they go. Church, schools, restaurants, bars. Its like everyone is waiting on something to make their money for them. Also, I just realized I need a twitter account. This is not blog worthy material. Hi Jill.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Dentists say the darnest things

I was sitting in the dentist's chair yesterday, mouth pulled open, woman's hand inside. She's humming a little tune and cleaning my teeth like it's the kitchen floor of her condo when all of a sudden she stops, takes her gaze from my mouth to my eyes and says, "Have you seen that 'Two Girls, One Cup' thing on the computer?". I instantly get a mental image of two poop covered people sharing a shittake-cone and proceed to cough up all the water that was in my mouth and almost bite the woman's finger off.

"Why would you ask me that with your hands in my mouth?!" I plead to her while wiping my spittle from my shirt, pants, and glasses.

"I just saw it and it was NAAASTY." She said in a Michagan endowed accent. "I couldn't watch but a minute of it. Lean back."

Never in my life have I been so taken back from such a well placed time-bomb of a comment. Touche teeth cleaning girl. Touche.