Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Seeking Roommate. Must like Awesome.

So I'm officially on the hunt for a roommate to add to the already incredible duo we have at the house. The following is a highly exaggerated requirement list of the ideal candidate:

1.       Will love Captain Crunch cereal.  This is purposely number 1 on the list.  Clutch.

2.       Can laugh at their own stupidity.  No one likes a know-it-all…everyone likes a makes-fun-of-it-all.

3.       Can ride a Shetland Pony as hilariously as Sherlock Homes does in the second Sherlock Holmes movie.

4.       Has seen the second Sherlock Holmes movie.

5.       Can survive in a home where the thermostat maxes out at 69 degrees F.  It’s not the thermostat itself, per say, but more the me.

6.       Enjoys snowboarding/skiing in the winter…and isn’t offended when I go two runs down the hill and then go slosh up at the lodge for the rest of the day.

7.       Know how to fix a flat tire on their own car.  It shows the spirit and go get’m attitude that translates nicely into an excellent water balloon fight teammate.

8.       Though they don’t need to know the rules of NFL Football, they need to be able to unnoticeably feign interest in one way or another.

9.       Has a desire to paint their room and/or make the house someway unique to their personality.  No penis drawings.

10.   Can take a morning shower in under 10 minutes.  Otherwise, is comfortable showering at the Y.

11.   Can go chip for chip with me in the realm of nacho cheese consumption.  You can tell the strength of someone’s will by the amount of time it takes their tongue to go numb from Tostitos cheese poisoning.

12.   Has no qualms with holiday cheer.  If you don’t like Christmas, you need to find Jesus and get your life together.

13.   Doesn’t complain about cheap wine.  Most of the time I can’t tell the difference between middle of the road wine and…side of the road…wine, and I can get 2 bottles for the price of 1.  Should you disagree, BYOB.

14.   Complains about cheap scotch.  You can totally tell the difference between middle of the road scotch and…side of the road…scotch, and I’d rather get 1 bottle for the price of 2.  Should you disagree, it doesn’t matter because don’t touch my scotch, that’s why.

15.   Doesn’t get offended when I forget their birthday.  The only reason I remember my own is because people on Facebook get a reminder and then send me messages reminding me that it’s my birthday.

16.   Instead of complaining that one of the toilet seats is up or down, just (wo)man’s up and just puts it up or down.  I do it all the time and have NEVER thought to myself, “This is just the biggest goddamn inconvenience of my day.” Never have I thought that.

17.   Doesn’t clip their toenails in front of me.  One of my childhood friend’s fathers clipped his toenails in front of me when I was a kid and one hit me in the face from a ridiculous distance and angle and I almost threw up.  Scarred.

18.   Takes the time to learn the “New seasons of Parks and Recreation on Netflix” dance.   Lessons included in rent.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Got me a big ol' sack a Twitter

What’s the word Internet! 
It’s been a busy few days and, seeing as I’m the only one who reads this piece, I took a week or so off to be awesome and gather some fun times to share.  First, let’s touch on the diet that I’ve been so emphatic on keeping publicly available.  I am now 4 lbs lighter than when I started (which in reality isn’t that much based on my weight), but, it’s not 4 lbs heavier!  My activity level has been diminished due to the release of Madden13 which is mind-bendingly addicting as well as my need to appreciate these last fleeting days of sunshine.  That being said, I’m back in the saddle and ready to laugh.

So, per usual, I’m half a decade behind the times and just started using Twitter and it turns out that there’s already a Daris Smith in this world that isn’t me and already knows about Twitter.  So, thanks to that guy’s parents for crushing my dreams of being @DarisSmith so I’m stuck with @SmithDaris, which, frankly I think partitions me into the more tame end of the nominative spectrum.  But, seeing as it takes a bunch of time to get on here and blurt out a bunch of nonsense, I figured I’d give the whole, “140 characters or less” thing a try and see if I can be more succinct in my clouded cerebral wanderings.  Silver lining, the other Daris’ Twitter updates are disreputably un-entertaining, making it fairly easy to distinguish us apart.  So there’s that.

Also, I’ve gotten into making iced tea and let’s just say that, other than my keen sense of smell and the ability to sleep through car alarms, my strongest talent may lie in the art of brewing tea.  The secret is to have no idea what you’re doing but to confidently stick to drinking every brewed drop with a smile on your face.  It sells the whole thing.  Now, have I made some sickeningly horrific tea concoctions? Yes. Have I thrown any away, thereby admitting defeat in my prowess for tea brewing?  Hells no.  Let me tell you, I’ve drank some gnarly teas these last couple of weeks but I’ve also brewed some stuff you could bottle and sell to Lipton at a little over cost.  That’s the dream.  Lol.  On a tea-making note, never try and brew any kind of cinnamon tea.  It comes out tasting like what I imagine Jabba the Hutt’s back sweat would taste like.

Doodle from joshealey

Check me out on Twitter @SmithDaris for the daily observations and mindless jabberwocky.