Sunday.
After the Friday night catastrophe the boys and I wanted to get out of town so we piled into the truck and went to Tahoe, however, not before stopping at Wal-Mart, Safeway in Carson, Raley's twice, and Safeway in Tahoe. For some reason we thought we were going camping so we had to bring rations and enough Capri Sun to fill a kiddie pool. Whatever. As we are getting ready to leave the Safeway parking lot I got to do one of my favorite things. If you don't already know, Daris has had a bit of a drinking problem in the past and the judge has recommended I get an "interlock" in my truck. It's one of those things you have to blow into in order to make the vehicle start (like in 40 year old virgin...yeah). Anyway, I see this really cute older women in the truck right next to me and I figure I'll have a little fun before I leave town. I look her in the eyes, smile, and slowly bring the interlock to my lips and blow into it while it makes it's high pitch whistling sound and the truck fires up. I throw it in gear and we're off, never breaking eye contact with a now confused woman.
We roll up to the beach with our ice chest and lifetime supply of Doritos and cop a squat on a promising part of the beach. Not but 30 seconds later a fight breaks out between some guys sitting 15 feet from us. They are brawling all over their spot, girls are screaming, guys and provoking, and I'm elbow deep in Nacho Cheese Doritos watching these high schoolers brawl like its High School Musical: Braveheart Edition. After the fight, these drunk kids proceed to call up all of their friends and make a mini Woodstock right next to us. Now, I'm not one to have a MASSIVE problem with the condition of my body, I'm not a track runner or a body builder and that's cool, but seeing 40 dudes under the age of 21 looking like they all employ the services of a personal trainer is a little disheartening. It's times like these that I really like to push the envelope of what is considered "awkward encounters".
In any situation, if you know there is absolutely no possible way that you can get a girl to find you physically attractive based on the current competition, go with a completely unorthodox approach. Example, walk up to the hottest girl in the group and ask her for her ugliest friend's phone number. She'll be excited that someone is interested in "Petunia" and her three chins, while at the same time you will have talked to the hottest girl in the group, gotten a phone number and possibly even an invitation to hang out with q group of ladies. You then return to your group of boys who were absolutely POSITIVE you would have been shot down, and, acting nonchalant, you show them the phone number and BAM! You're the balls. Another fantastic way to look a lot cooler than you really are is to pretend you have the hottest body on the beach. Confidently make eye contact with the women on the beach while rubbing suntan lotion on your hairy stomach and chest. Women will wonder why it is that you have so much confidence yet look like such absolute shit. "He must have money". The only bad thing is that when this actually works, and you end up making her pick up the bar tab, the masquerade is over. Now you're just fat and poor. Time to go home.
2 comments:
Your blogs give me the BEST mental pictures. Hysterical.
watching high school kids 'fight' can be sooo funny. i was at In n Out in Davis one night and these 3 kids were standing around and one was mad at the other and bitch slapped him and the other guy fell out of his shoes that were 10 sizes too big and onto the ground and almost cried, while the third one was trying to play mediator in the middle...it was HILARIOUS. I wish i had that on video.
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