Holy High School Reunion

Ok, so...just realized my 10 YEAR high school reunion is this year, apparently sometime in June and I am about half-way prepared for it. In every conceivable sense of the phrase. I haven't really done anything spectacular with my life, which is essentially the status quo for my generation, thank God. I am still single; which I'm hoping doesn't read aloud anything I can't see as the first party. And, to top it off, I'm a college drop-out. Where does this leave me as far as areas of conversation are concerned? Totally buttholed, that's where.

Luckily, to stretch the silver lining as thin as possible, I have 4 or 5 months to get my shit together and try and develop some kind of ammunition for the sake of un-embarrassing banter. I'm breaking this shit down into 3 categories of self-improvement: Physical Fitness, Finance, and Wardrobe.

The way these three categories are going to be enhanced will directly affect my confidence upon attending the aforementioned reunion.

Challenge Accepted.

Dear Stress, take a chill pill

So, there are some things in life that we tend to overlook in regards to their being "triggers". Whether it be a shitty driver on the 5 or a vending machine with a grudge against your last dollar bill. These elements which exist in all of our lives are not only surmountable but are regularly arbitrary. The deadline you have on a paper that you are completely aware you should have completed three weeks ago; the in-laws you so dreadfully despise spending time with (the reason for which you have long since forgotten); the day you can't afford to buy your pack of cigarettes, leading to a well thought out and mentally executed beating of the Starbucks employee who got your drink order a little wrong. These are the things that we face today; things that seem like galaxy destroying, spirit crushing, religion seeking catastrophes. But grace bestowed, there is an answer. A finite and absolute conclusion to your woes.

Calm the fuck down.

Imagine a world where someone walks into a door every time you safely manage to enter. A world where someone farts at an inopportune time twice in one day; always right in front of you. A reality comprised of a child swearing at a Disney employee while you eat cotton candy and giggle. That's what I'm talking about.

Like Al Pacino so poetically recited Oliver Stone's line, "The world is yours". The world is as calm as you perceive it. I still remember the first time someone caught me picking my nose in a classroom (literally one of the most embarrassing times in my life) and the first time I farted in a public...library. Yeah. I can recall at one point in my life where I actually argued that wearing a shoe three sizes too large actually made girls think you were hung like a horse and read like Hemingway. True stories. Unfortunately.

My point is this: when stress creeps its heavy hand upon your shoulder, take a look at what's important in the world, assess your current stressful situation and think, "Will 5-years-from-now-me give a shit about this problem?". Probably not. And then think about something funny. A dog pooping on a squirrel. An Olsen twin eating an entire pie as fast as she possibly can. A grouchy old person peeing their pants and laughing about it. The most embarrassing thing your mother ever did in front of you (that one is usually pretty comical if you really think about it. Mom's are hilarious).

There are so many Third World Problems (TWP) going on that you have to understand the relativity between your stresses and other's in-escabables. You've never ridden in a car. You can't read. You don't know where your next meal is coming from, or when it might be. You live in a city without a toilet...or a hospital.

Let's just say that "Stress" is relative to your situation, and people, our situation is a First World Situation (FWS). The biggest consequence of our biggest situation right now, whether you're read-up enough to know it or not, is ending up 1/10th as poor of as a majority of the developing world.

So grab a smile, read a decent book once a year, drink a beer, go for a walk. Because in a country filled with FWSs, we have no right to make our problems seem serious.

Calm the fuck down.

-Daris

Screw the Super Bowl

So at the beginning of the year I said (out loud) that as long as the Super Bowl didn't include either the Colts, Patriots, Steelers, or Giants it would be a good one. Let someone else play for a little bit. Jeez. The Jets are no prize, I'm not insinuating that we even remotely deserve to be at the Super Bowl; we don't. I would just like to see someone exciting go to the Super Bowl, a team that makes it in Cinderella fashion. Maybe a team that hasn't been for a little while. The Lions? The Browns? The Bills? THE NINERS? Whatever, being a Jets fans, I'm bias against New England so the Pats can snort chowder. Also, Eli Manning (whom I'm convinced is actually Nat Faxon's little sister) and the Giants always seem to find a way to throw a wrench in shit and crush dreams for everyone else. Is anyone really even a Giants fan? I mean really?? Ben Roethlisberger looks like a down syndrome version of Jason Segel and I cannot bring myself to take the Steelers seriously because of it. I also feel like he might be a closet rapist. Not like the go-all-the-way, hold a knife to your throat, kind of rapist, but one of those overly insistent, aggressive, frat-boy kinds of rapists. As for the Colts, they made the list purely because I feel like (prior to this year) were the best team in football and whatever underdog team made it to the Super Bowl wouldn't stand a chance against them. But they've had it hard enough this year, so we'll take it easy on the Colts.



Long story short, I'm thinking we need to just say FU to the Super Bowl this year, click over to Animal Planet and get super competative about some Puppy Bowl action while snarfing nachos and doing keg stands.

Day 8

Haven't smoked a cigarette in 8 days you guys. It's true what they say, "When you're ready to quit, you'll quit."

High Sierra Brewery

Yeah. This place isn't as bad as I thought it once was.

Occupy this.

(Image provided by www.washingtonstatepolitics.com)

I've been reading about this "Occupy" situation all around the country and I am extremely confused about how this whole thing works. First of all, I'm not one for agreeing with protestors as a general principle as it seems like the least diplomatic avenue to take and is reminiscent of a child throwing a temper tantrum while not being able to express itself in a productive manner. On the flip side, these protests do have the ability to get people interested in the causes for which they stand and, eventually, spread awareness.

But...

This Occupy Wall Street (and the subsequent other "Occupys” around the country) just don't make sense to me. So, I get that these are a bunch unemployed people who are pissed off at Lehman Bros and these bank executives for not receiving their comeuppance for violating business ethics and the laws associated with them. I also get that they are somehow personally offended by the wealth being achieved by the 1% of this country’s population and the juxtaposed stature that is the rest of us. The fact that a bunch of rich guys keep getting richer just seems to incite that “Why not me” mentality that everyone who has never won the lottery feels every morning while waking up earlier than they think they should have to in order to go to a job they don’t like. I get it. They want to be in the 1%.

What I don’t understand is this: Do you honestly think that by blocking traffic and creating massive congestion in hugely populated areas that you are disrupting the lives of that 1% you so staunchly resent? Do you think that by defecating in the streets and in private parks that the uber-rich are somehow writhing in their Sleep-by-numbers beds to the glow of FOX News emanating from their 60” LED televisions inside their multi-million dollar mansions? No. You’re affecting the 99% you are claiming to protect and represent. The man or woman who was told by his/her employer that “One more account of tardiness will lead to some serious trimming”; or that person who needs to pick their sick child up from daycare; or the ambulance that would have made it on time had it not been for the massive semantically oriented “Occupation of Irony”. This entire scenario is a completely misguided attempt at change that, though beginning with the best of intentions and a heart-felt desire to emit transformations for the better, has become a completely embarrassing conglomeration of overly entitled, self righteous children with no sense of the processes of governmental change. They are no better than the greedy bastards that jeopardized the well being of millions in an effort to achieve their personal goals.
Occupy Wall Street my ass. Go occupy a shower and a job interview.

5 Things - Rappers Stories Versus the Real World

What I can understand of these hip hop songs leads me to believe that the most important things in these guy's lives are as follows:

1. Drinking overpriced alcoholic beverages makes women like you.
Truth: Women like to be associated with people who get other women to associate with them. The alcohol you just bought is completely wasted. You could have waited until the club called last call and brought out 200 burritos from Aca Taco and been just as popular.

2. Jets are pussy magnets.
Truth: Girls love the fact that you have a jet because they assume you have tons of money. However, after they are on the plane, these rapper guys realize they are now stuck with a bunch of gold digging whores who, upon arriving to the destination and getting sobered up, are now just getting annoying and need to find their own way back to the LA valley.

3. Telling the masses that you're a "Boss" over and over again makes them think you're actually a "Boss".
Truth: You only retain 7% of the market compensation of the albums you sell. Your only employees are some dudes you went to high school with that work for you in hopes of getting their dicks sucked by that chick who claims she "Beat Herpes", and your accountant makes more money a year than you do.

4. "You're the realest"
Truth: No one has any idea what that means. We just assume you have committed real-world crimes and struggled through robbing people as innocent and unassuming as the suburban Americans who purchased your albums.

5. You have to let us know, "I'm back!!"
Truth: No one knew you were gone. The economy is in the shitter. We've got bills and shit. Just sing something that won't stain my child's innocence while listening to the radio in the car on the way to school.