The Things I Hate

I hate when you make Jello Gigglers and then they fall apart when you are trying to cut them into heart and star shapes. I would have just made "Jello" if I knew it was going to be such a pain in the ass.

I hate forgetting to put a backer between checks/carbon copies and I write through five sets of checks at once.

I hate that when I wake up at 2 in the morning and I want to watch tv for 10 minutes before falling back to sleep and the only thing on is either Jesus Freaks or a psycho selling "The Gazelle" running machine.

I hate that I drive a V8 that gets 8 miles to the gallon and people think it's ok to make me drive places without giving me gas money because I'm too nice to leave them stranded.

I hate that people care about things just because it's "the thing to care about" for the day. No one cares on Monday that 9 soldiers died in Iraq, but that same day it makes front page news that Paris Hilton's sentence got cut by 30 days. That's not hot.

I hate that phrase, "that's hot". Knock it off. The person who coined it is only famous because she's a whore. Is that "hot"?

I hate "Construction Zones" on the highway that last 10 years. If you didn't have the money to finish the job, why did you start it? Seriously, it makes our state look like shit.

I hate margarine. You AREN'T Butter.

I hate when the best things happen at the worst moments.

I hate the sound of a time clock when you clock into work. Can't they make one that doesn't make a massive "thump". It's 2008.

I hate flip flop that cost 3 dollars. You know they are going to destroy your feet, but they're 3 dollars.

I hate sleeping in cars on long drives. You go to sleep in one town and wake up in another. I get confused if I wake up on the opposite side of the bed.

I hate telephones with annoying rings. They should let you test the rings at the store before you buy the phone. How am I supposed to know if the ring for my new phone isn't going to drive me/my dog absolutely insane every time it rings?

I hate people on the radio with "non-radio" voices.

I hate the fair. It's really just a place for juvenile delinquents to run rampant and 15 year old girls to get hit on by 40 year old men.

I hate local television commercials. Don't make a commercial that costs 60 bucks and put it on CBS. I don't care if you have "amazing service" at "half the cost". You Suck.

I hate people on Myspace that have 9 trillion friends. Do you really want to be known for being the person with the least amount of real-world responsibilities to consume the time in your day?

I hate running outdoors. You're trying to get healthy but everyone still sees you looking fat in the process.

I hate CDs that only play in certain CD Players. Who decided to make ones different than others. Did someone see the one CD Player that plays them all and say, "Hey, lets make ours only play certain kinds of music"? You are stupid.

I hate when a group of Mexicans speak Spanish and I don't know what they are saying. They could be talking about how great grapes are and I'll think they are talking about me. America. Speak English.

I hate forgetting to put suntan lotion on one part of my body. Blotchy sunburns are not attractive.

I hate overly excited waiters. It's just lunch.

I hate people with novelty license plates. Is it really that important that we all know you're a PIMPDDY?

I hate cats. They're too good for everyone, yet they beg to be fed and must live indoors.

I hate that I used to have Starz and Showtime and nothing was ever on. Now I have HBO and Encore and nothing is ever on.

I hate bums who have pets. You are a mooching contradiction.

I hate when people walk slower than the speed of smell through a cross-walk. Just because you are a pedestrian does not mean I won't kill you with my vehicle.

I hate flying now-a-days. I don't have a gun. I am not a terrorist. I am not smuggling drugs. I don't praise Allah. I do want a window seat. I don't have plastic explosives in my water bottle. I don't care what the in-flight movie is (like it would matter if I did). You don't have to keep telling me to put my seatbelt on. I don't need to know where the life jackets are, we're flying to LA (it's land the whole way you fucking idiot).

I hate people who wear tennis shoes without socks. You spent 150 dollars on Jordan's and can't afford 4 dollar socks? I hope you get athlete's foot.

I hate getting messages that end with, "If you don't repost this within the next 4 seconds, you will never have sex again" I have sex with girls all the time while NOT reposting. How do you like me now.

I hate when people leave their phones on in quiet places and when it rings they answer them in a voice that is inappropriately loud so people think they are "hip". Cell phones were invented like 15 years ago. If you just got one, you are poor and its probably my cell phone that got stolen that you are talking on. Stop trying to be cool.

I hate girls who used to be bitches because the used to be pretty. You are fat now and no one likes you. Go cry in your raw cookie dough, that's what you get.

I hate Bluetooth ear pieces. The world is doomed if people are too lazy to hold a phone up to their ear for a 30 second conversation. You look like a chode who spent their last dollar on lazy.

I hate social security. If you didn't have the foresight to plan for your future, you shouldn't get to have one.

I hate math. The only people who should be required to take math classes are the people who make calculators.

I hate people who say "huh" even though you know they heard you the first time. I just sit there and stare at them when they say "huh". You heard me retard.

I hate people who use Post-Its at an inappropriate rate. They are suppost to be reminders, not binder paper.

I hate when people call me "Sport" or "Bud". I have a better job than you do, I am more highly educated, and I will slap you in the mouth if you call me that again.

I hate people who buy a $70K truck and make 10 dollars an hour, live with their parents, and can't afford gas or insurance. Killer ride bro.

I hate it when I flip someone the bird on the road and they pretend not to see me because they know they drive like a toddler. I get no satisfaction.

I hate wine snobs. It's booze. You're an alcoholic. Here's a glass of water.

I hate baseball. If you can be 50 pounds overweight and have someone run for you after you hit a flying object and still be considered an "athelete"...

I hate American Idol. 180 million people watching burnt-out celebrities rate a bunch of karaoke singers is about as entertaining as Donald Trump screwing a llama while it runs across a field (which I would totally watch).

I hate that houses cost 500K and you aren't allowed to just find some land and build your own.

I hate trendy accessories. I believe that when someone buys a Gucci bag and puts a Coach wallet inside, they are unhappy with their life.

I hate the porn girls who send me messages and try to be my friend on myspace. I write them messages all the time about eating shit and foot rot and warts...they leave me alone after that.

I hate telemarketers. If you are going to call me noon, I might politely tell you that your job is lame. If you call me at 7pm during dinner with my family, I am going to tell you that your life is worthless and your children think you are a failure. Don't cry, it's true.

I hate when businesses have crappy "hold" music on their phones. I don't want to hear Paul Harvey talk about Garlique or whatever while I'm trying to remember what it was I was calling about in the first place.

I hate people who voted for President Bush, twice, and now complain that he is a tool. You're the reason our country is fucked up. I hate you. (Thanks Brianne)

I hate girls who only look pretty with make-up. If you get out of the shower the morning after we hook up and look like you got beat to death with a hammer, that is false advertisement.

I hate being the only one in our house that does dishes besides the girlfriends of the guys. You live there too fellas. Don't be fucking lazy. Clean up after yourself. You aren't 6 years old. Dicks.

This list was brought to you as a public service announcement to further spread daily cheer by Daris Smith.

Have a fantastic day.