Aww...good for you.

Friday night after work me and the boys were at home Bar-B-Qing and throwing the football around when I realized that we hadn't been out on the town in a month and we were simply passed due for an adventure. Dave decides to stay at the house and be emo or whatever so Mike and I hit the streets. We started at the Firkin Fox, and being that there were roughly 5 or 6 people in the place, all of whom were more than likely already enjoying what's left of a Social Security income (they were really really old), we decided to move it on down the street. We get to Dopplegangers where we run into Kris Fite, whom I hadn't seen in quite a while. As we approached Dopples, the side alley entrance, which is usually empty, is filled with gorgeous women. Mike and I looked at each other and knew it was going to be a decent evening. We stroll up to the entrance and move through the crowd of women at the door, and the bald bouncer, only to get inside to a sea of more gorgeous women. A veritable buffet of women could be seen mingling in every corner of the room. So, as my straight forwardness is one of my most outstanding qualities (i like to think), my first order of business is to approach the bar, which is lined with short haired little "cute as a button" girls and grab some drinks.

Daris- "Hey ladies, how are you all doing tonight?"
Girls- "Not interested."
Daris- "Ouch. Just saying hello."

After the embarrassing gunning down, I go back over to the table Kris and a few other people had picked out for us. I couldn't let one bad interaction hinder my evening...I had to try again. Two tables over there is a beautiful girl with long black hair, tight jeans and a few tattoos sprinkled in to show she didn't care what society thought. Nice. I walk up.

Daris- "Hi, my name is Daris, can I buy you a drink?"
Hot Girl- "Eh. Go."
Daris- "Excuse me?" Hot girl rolls her eyes and looks away. I tap her on the shoulder and say into her ear, "It's great to see a girl whose debilitating daddy issues haven't harmed her sparkling personality." I walk away.

I was starting to get really frustrated with this place. An abundance of possible interaction yet no one to share in my desire to converse. What the hell? After returning to my table I see something that brings it all together. How could I have missed this one detail that was so incredibly significant. Like putting a single drop of dish soap into the greasy pan water, the film parted and everything was clear. All of these girls weren't just shooting me down, they were shooting every guy down. The bouncer at the door wasn't a big bald guy, it was a big ass butch lesbian. It was "lady's night" aka "clam catcher's night" aka "no wang required". I was running around this club hitting on women left and right, while getting shot down EVERY SINGLE TIME. But so was every other guy who wasn't smart enough to see the signs.

I learned a few things that night that I will take with me forever: 1) Always make sure a bar's Journey cover band has at least one guy in it; 2) If something looks too good to be true, more than likely it is; 3) When in packs, lesbians reserve the right to be complete bitches; 4) Nothing feels worse than failing in front of friends; 5) Nothing feels better than to watch someone else fail even more miserably at the same thing you just failed at.