Redondo Beach Brewing Company

Fish and Chips. Joe drinking beer and telling stories. Got to see the nieces. It was a good day. Now I have to get on a plane, kinda drunk, and try not hit on the 60+ year old woman who will no doubt sit right next to me and smell like Coconut and Ben-Gay. Be strong Daris.

The Red...

Just found a new beer. It's like if Lucille Ball had sex with an earthquake. They call it "The Red". Try it.

Made it

So, I made it through the crazy masses that encompass the LAX airport. Went to dinner at Waterman's for seared ahi and it was legendary...per usual. Got back to the spread and Morgan was nice enough to have purchased Daris' favorite beer, Sierra Nevada's Ruthless Rye. Good man. Now I'm watching him try and navigate through a sea of cables to make music come from the television. Hilarious. Oop, he just got it. There's something about this place that makes even the most menial endeavor seem fun. Example: I just petted a cat in the hallway of the house...good time. Granted, this cat has been terrified of me from day one so that might have something to do with my excitement over his accepting me. Aaannyyway. Now listening to Memory by Sugarcult thereby successfully completing the perfect day. TTYT.

LA, once again

So back to LA for the fun and non-frugality that every decent trip provides. Sitting at the airpot bar and this "gentleman" walks up next to me and says, "So, where are your wines from"? After my noticeably over the top eye roll, the guy orders a merlot...a fucking merlot. Alright then Mondavi, I'm pretty sure you going to be that dude I end up sitting next on my flight. You'll tell me all about the money you have and the places you've been. You'll be that guy who "this one time sat next to Michael Jordan" like one of those commercials on television. It's Southwest fool, MJ rolls solo. GOD. I just want to be there.

Stay up. It's gonna be a good one.

Holy High School Reunion

Ok, so...just realized my 10 YEAR high school reunion is this year, apparently sometime in June and I am about half-way prepared for it. In every conceivable sense of the phrase. I haven't really done anything spectacular with my life, which is essentially the status quo for my generation, thank God. I am still single; which I'm hoping doesn't read aloud anything I can't see as the first party. And, to top it off, I'm a college drop-out. Where does this leave me as far as areas of conversation are concerned? Totally buttholed, that's where.

Luckily, to stretch the silver lining as thin as possible, I have 4 or 5 months to get my shit together and try and develop some kind of ammunition for the sake of un-embarrassing banter. I'm breaking this shit down into 3 categories of self-improvement: Physical Fitness, Finance, and Wardrobe.

The way these three categories are going to be enhanced will directly affect my confidence upon attending the aforementioned reunion.

Challenge Accepted.

Dear Stress, take a chill pill

So, there are some things in life that we tend to overlook in regards to their being "triggers". Whether it be a shitty driver on the 5 or a vending machine with a grudge against your last dollar bill. These elements which exist in all of our lives are not only surmountable but are regularly arbitrary. The deadline you have on a paper that you are completely aware you should have completed three weeks ago; the in-laws you so dreadfully despise spending time with (the reason for which you have long since forgotten); the day you can't afford to buy your pack of cigarettes, leading to a well thought out and mentally executed beating of the Starbucks employee who got your drink order a little wrong. These are the things that we face today; things that seem like galaxy destroying, spirit crushing, religion seeking catastrophes. But grace bestowed, there is an answer. A finite and absolute conclusion to your woes.

Calm the fuck down.

Imagine a world where someone walks into a door every time you safely manage to enter. A world where someone farts at an inopportune time twice in one day; always right in front of you. A reality comprised of a child swearing at a Disney employee while you eat cotton candy and giggle. That's what I'm talking about.

Like Al Pacino so poetically recited Oliver Stone's line, "The world is yours". The world is as calm as you perceive it. I still remember the first time someone caught me picking my nose in a classroom (literally one of the most embarrassing times in my life) and the first time I farted in a public...library. Yeah. I can recall at one point in my life where I actually argued that wearing a shoe three sizes too large actually made girls think you were hung like a horse and read like Hemingway. True stories. Unfortunately.

My point is this: when stress creeps its heavy hand upon your shoulder, take a look at what's important in the world, assess your current stressful situation and think, "Will 5-years-from-now-me give a shit about this problem?". Probably not. And then think about something funny. A dog pooping on a squirrel. An Olsen twin eating an entire pie as fast as she possibly can. A grouchy old person peeing their pants and laughing about it. The most embarrassing thing your mother ever did in front of you (that one is usually pretty comical if you really think about it. Mom's are hilarious).

There are so many Third World Problems (TWP) going on that you have to understand the relativity between your stresses and other's in-escabables. You've never ridden in a car. You can't read. You don't know where your next meal is coming from, or when it might be. You live in a city without a toilet...or a hospital.

Let's just say that "Stress" is relative to your situation, and people, our situation is a First World Situation (FWS). The biggest consequence of our biggest situation right now, whether you're read-up enough to know it or not, is ending up 1/10th as poor of as a majority of the developing world.

So grab a smile, read a decent book once a year, drink a beer, go for a walk. Because in a country filled with FWSs, we have no right to make our problems seem serious.

Calm the fuck down.

-Daris

Screw the Super Bowl

So at the beginning of the year I said (out loud) that as long as the Super Bowl didn't include either the Colts, Patriots, Steelers, or Giants it would be a good one. Let someone else play for a little bit. Jeez. The Jets are no prize, I'm not insinuating that we even remotely deserve to be at the Super Bowl; we don't. I would just like to see someone exciting go to the Super Bowl, a team that makes it in Cinderella fashion. Maybe a team that hasn't been for a little while. The Lions? The Browns? The Bills? THE NINERS? Whatever, being a Jets fans, I'm bias against New England so the Pats can snort chowder. Also, Eli Manning (whom I'm convinced is actually Nat Faxon's little sister) and the Giants always seem to find a way to throw a wrench in shit and crush dreams for everyone else. Is anyone really even a Giants fan? I mean really?? Ben Roethlisberger looks like a down syndrome version of Jason Segel and I cannot bring myself to take the Steelers seriously because of it. I also feel like he might be a closet rapist. Not like the go-all-the-way, hold a knife to your throat, kind of rapist, but one of those overly insistent, aggressive, frat-boy kinds of rapists. As for the Colts, they made the list purely because I feel like (prior to this year) were the best team in football and whatever underdog team made it to the Super Bowl wouldn't stand a chance against them. But they've had it hard enough this year, so we'll take it easy on the Colts.



Long story short, I'm thinking we need to just say FU to the Super Bowl this year, click over to Animal Planet and get super competative about some Puppy Bowl action while snarfing nachos and doing keg stands.