New Years Reillusion

So the Christmas diet failed miserably and I took the defeat pretty rough, so I’ve been lounging around in my pajamas everyday feeling sorry for myself. Not unlike every football fan in Detroit. But there is hope, and it comes in the form of resolution. Since the cigarettes are going out the window (again) on the 1st, I figure I’ll really overwhelm myself and make my window of possible success so small that Gary Coleman would have difficulties squeezing through. I am going to double resolve my New Year with, what the experts are calling, a “Life Change”. The first will be my 3 month mark without alcohol; it will now become the day I quit smoking as well as the day I got into shape. I figure these lofty goals and expectations will be to blame when I fail miserably no more than 36 hours after Wednesday at midnight. If I had simply said, “I am going to eat more vegetables” or “I will no longer spend $500 dollars on Amazon.com when my bank account reflects a balance of $250”, then I would have no excuse when I fail because my initial expectation was such a simple goal that even one of Brangelina’s half-breeds could accomplish it. However, if I shoot for the starts and say I am going to change the world in a day, and then only quit smoking, BOOM, everything else is over looked and even though I ONLY quit smoking…I quit smoking.

In closing, I have just given birth to my New Years Resolution for 2010: I will diligently work toward have such high expectations for myself that when I fail so badly that I am worse off than I was in 2004, I will still feel a sense of achievement and accomplishment. Wow. That shit is genius.

Good News and Bad News

Alright. The diet has been compromised once again. Someone thought it would be a good idea to get both advent calendars and almond roca for the house. In a nutshell, this morning I have a stomach ache, a toothache, and the runs...all before coffee.

Bah.

It's 6:55pm and I'm 209

That's right, I'm 2 pounds closer to the 10 pound weight loss goal. Pictures pending.

My 2008 Christmas List

1. Portable Interfacing Unit of Moderate Price and Capacity (Laptop)

2. Unitarily Accepted form of Exchangeable Currency to Amazon.com and/or some/all of it’s Selective Subsidiaries. (Amazon.com Gift Card - Conveniently offered online at www.amazon.com)

3. The hind end remains of a bovine or genetic relative to be tanned and manufactured for the sole and specific purpose of housing minute remnants of a tapest-esque disposition used in transactions requiring the action of exchanging said monetarily orientated tapestries. (A new wallet, preferably a Stafford)

4. A dreamscape bound in wonderment; a true-to-life representation of Joseph’s Technicolor Dream Coat; an 88-key life raft of perseverance and possibility; a rectangular guide dog used by creative minds in an effort to explore their innermost desires and outermost eccentricism. (Some form of piano/keyboard)

5. A multi-cylinder powered motor to be stored and operated inside of a carbon steel chamber which, suspended 20-30 inches above the terrain, would be used primarily, if not solely, adjacent to the rich bounty of the Lord’s terra firma as a means of powering two circular objects which, in the act of making direct and semi-constant contact with the ground, would thrust the carbon steel chamber into the desired geographical direction. (Dirt Bike)

6. A pony.(A pony)

7. The societal element which allows one to become self influentially ostracized due to the taboo reference of such a collection of artifacts at a time when said artifact is criticized for being requested as a complimentary bestowment at a time of Christian reverence and familial celebration. (Money. You had to read that one twice. Go ahead, read it again. You’ll get it.)

8. An athletically derived orb used by sports figures whom have no sense of practical attire, gratitude, or self control; generally orange or of a mahogany derivation, this inflated globe single handedly made it cool to be the only 7’ 2” white guy in Boston.(A Basketball)

9. Extremity-specific heat capacitor used in the collection and preservation of thermal energy generated by the human body during times of extreme cold or vigorous activity. (Gloves)

10. Any celebratory dissemination of tangible goods which exceed the personal, societal, or monetary value of those celebratory items gifted to any other member of our immediate nuclear family whose age is less or equal to my own current annual value at the time of the celebratory gifting. (Anything, as long as it’s cooler than what Kenny gets)

Status Check

So operation "Lose 5 pounds by Christmas" has taken it's first casualty. The I was, minding my own business, when all of a sudden I was ambushed. They came quietly, and with extreme prejudice. The chocolate truffles of the holiday season. Son's of bitches infiltrated my defenses long enough to sneak three covert ops insurgents into my body. The plan now is to slowly defuse this ticking time bomb of chocolate cravings long enough to begin hating my body like I need to for this diet to work. I think it's funny that dietitians refer to a diet as "A lifestyle change". In no way is this going to be a lifestyle change after December 25th. After the 25th, the only change that is going to be made will be me installing elastic bands in my jeans like I'm going to be doing cross dressing stunt work on the set of Juno.

Anyways, I'm off to single handedly demoralize myself in front of the mirror before running too far, eating too little, and whining too much.

It's 5am and I'm 211

I officially started my "Get in shape for Christmas" routine today. Knowing that there are only two weeks left until Christmas, I am hoping to only lose 5 pounds instead of the original 10 el bees. This is how it's going to go down:

5:15am-6am
Work for 45 min and then shave and shower.

Breakfast 6:15-6:30am
3 eggs with wheat toast

Snack 8:30am
Nature Valley Granola bar / Grapefruit

Lunch 12pm
Solid White albacore / apple / V8

Afternoon snack 3pm
Campbells Vegetable Soup

5:30pm
30 minute after work run

Dinner 6:30pm
Protein Shake

Boom. If anyone needs 5lbs, look no further, I'll have it ready for you by Christmas.

STS - Small Town Syndrome

In our hunt for a new roommate we've been cruising through a list of possible candidates that have proven time and time again to be less than optimal. So far the best candidate we've had was a girl who seemed like she had her affairs in order: she had a job, could afford rent and bills, had a sense of humor that was compatible with that of the casa; and she was pretty mellow. There was only one catch...she has a 1 year old daughter. Now, I have nothing against children as I am fairly certain that at one point during my illustrious time on the planet, I was a child myself, but bringing a child in the house may be the least appropriate thing we could do for ourselves...and a child. So Dave blew her off after learning of the offspring and chalked her up to memory. Until tonight. We couldn't decide where to go to dinner so we jumped into the car and drove until something shined. We ended up at a place called Q's Bar-B-Que for some pull pork and chicken wings. No more than 6 minutes after sitting down does this girl walk in with her family and her (adorable I might add) daughter. The goddamn waiter puts them right across from our booth so we HAVE to see each other less we all develop astigmatisms in our necks from facing a wall. We eat our entire meal while choking back laughter and embarrassment while her little girl stares at us and waves while spitting food down her shirt. Now I am charged with the excruciating decision of either contacting this girl and talking the whole situation out, or letting it go and remaining douche bag numero uno for the rest of my life.

And you may be asking yourself how on earth she recognized us right? Let's just say it's me; and I never miss and opportunity to plaster a picture of myself on everything digital and/or adhesive.

So that's how dinner goes for people in a small town.