So I'm officially on the hunt for a roommate to add to the already incredible duo we have at the house. The following is a highly exaggerated requirement list of the ideal candidate:
1.
Will love Captain Crunch cereal. This is purposely number 1 on the list. Clutch.
2.
Can laugh at their own stupidity. No one likes a know-it-all…everyone likes a
makes-fun-of-it-all.
3.
Can ride a Shetland Pony as hilariously as
Sherlock Homes does in the second Sherlock Holmes movie.
4.
Has seen the second Sherlock Holmes movie.
5.
Can survive in a home where the thermostat maxes
out at 69 degrees F. It’s not the
thermostat itself, per say, but more the me.
6.
Enjoys snowboarding/skiing in the winter…and isn’t
offended when I go two runs down the hill and then go slosh up at the lodge for
the rest of the day.
7.
Know how to fix a flat tire on their own
car. It shows the spirit and go get’m
attitude that translates nicely into an excellent water balloon fight teammate.
8.
Though they don’t need to know the rules of NFL
Football, they need to be able to unnoticeably feign interest in one way or
another.
9.
Has a desire to paint their room and/or make the
house someway unique to their personality.
No penis drawings.
10.
Can take a morning shower in under 10
minutes. Otherwise, is comfortable
showering at the Y.
11.
Can go chip for chip with me in the realm of
nacho cheese consumption. You can tell
the strength of someone’s will by the amount of time it takes their tongue to
go numb from Tostitos cheese poisoning.
12.
Has no qualms with holiday cheer. If you don’t like Christmas, you need to find
Jesus and get your life together.
13.
Doesn’t complain about cheap wine. Most of the time I can’t tell the difference
between middle of the road wine and…side of the road…wine, and I can get 2 bottles
for the price of 1. Should you disagree,
BYOB.
14.
Complains about cheap scotch. You can totally tell the difference between
middle of the road scotch and…side of the road…scotch, and I’d rather get 1
bottle for the price of 2. Should you
disagree, it doesn’t matter because don’t touch my scotch, that’s why.
15.
Doesn’t get offended when I forget their
birthday. The only reason I remember my
own is because people on Facebook get a reminder and then send me messages
reminding me that it’s my birthday.
16.
Instead of complaining that one of the toilet
seats is up or down, just (wo)man’s up and just puts it up or down. I do it all the time and have NEVER thought
to myself, “This is just the biggest goddamn inconvenience of my day.” Never
have I thought that.
17.
Doesn’t clip their toenails in front of me. One of my childhood friend’s fathers clipped
his toenails in front of me when I was a kid and one hit me in the face from a ridiculous
distance and angle and I almost threw up.
Scarred.
18.
Takes the time to learn the “New seasons of
Parks and Recreation on Netflix” dance. Lessons included in rent.
