Oldies but Goodies

So I have decided to move to a different country. The United States is getting to be too much of a pain in the ass with all the Bureaucratic bullshit and nonsense that comes with living in this country:

I don't want to pay $11 a gallon.

I don't want to go to war for some stupid asshole who knows what's best for me.

I don't want to stand in line at Wal-Mart with the lingering smell of Aqua Velva and disappointment flowing through my nostrils while waiting to be mugged in the parking lot.

I don't want to be subjected to the exhaust from a 1983 Chevy 1-ton next to me at the stop light with a 1981 over-the-cab camper filled with illegitimate children and empty whiskey bottles.

I don't want to go to the movies and see the same laughless, stupid shit over and over again while resenting every bite of my 14 dollar bag of popcorn.

I don't want to listen to stupid ringtones that reflect what kind of person someone is based on their societal views and their rebellious nature.

I don't want to be laughed at by Canada for being identified as the country with fat, out of shape, pieces of shit as occupants; Canadians are French.

I don't want to know what a corn dog is.

I don't ever want to see Oprah again.

I want to drink water that doesn't have to be treated with two dozen chemicals in order to be considered "clean".

I want to see a tree that was grown from a seed that fell from another tree; as opposed to being planted by some hippie organization that defends the rights of organic vegetable farmers and alternative fuel powered vehicle producers.

I don't want to be owned by technology.

I want my neighbor to own a record player so I can borrow records.

I want to ride a bicycle without the fear of being hit by a car full of 17 year old high school drop-outs on the way to mug someone in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

I want to water my lawn on odd and even days.

I want to use rabbit ears on my television without being threatened by a cable company.

I want to take the train without having to ride next to imported goods or milled timber.

I don't want to be criticized for not voting.

I want my currency to be worth more than the ink used to produce it.

I want to live by a beach that isn't populated by actors/waiters/waitresses.

I want to live in a country where the GDP isn't overshadowed by the profits of a Toby McGuire movie.

I don't want to be so hated that I have to worry about "Homeland Security".

I don't want to think that "Two Buck Chuck" is good wine.

I want to go see a play without being made fun of for going and seeing a play.

I want to work 30 hours a week and still be able to pay my bills.

I want to be able to hit on a girl while wearing either a scarf, a sweater vest, or suspenders.

I want to tell a topically relevant anecdote and not be ostracized for being pretentious.

I want to sleep for an entire Wednesday.

I want to live in a country that's had a war on it's own soil.

I don't want to get a ticket for smoking (yeah you Belmont).

So that's what's up with me today.