Oh snap, did I do that?

15 ways to tell you've had far too much to drink in a given day (sadly, most are from personal experience. Apparently I need a life coach or some kind of intervention).

1. You've gotten into someone's vehicle parked in front of an establishment and just assumed they would operate as a city cab.

2. In an effort to get laid, pretended to be a celebrity that you clearly look absolutely NOTHING like...and you later find out was on the live television show that was playing above the bar. Not proud of that one.

3. Tried to ride any domestic animal as a rodeo clown.

4. Peeled the plastic wrapper off the individually packaged slices of cheese and eaten the plastic instead of the cheese.

5. Stolen a handicapped person's...anything.

6. Climbed something so high that you got scared once you looked down and got "petri-stuck".

7. Peed on someone's car tire... and had the car alarm go off...in a crowded parking lot.

8. Microwaved Captain Crunch.

9. Sang kareoke at a memorial wake which you mistook as a buddy's company party with an open bar.

10. Thinking you were getting hot with "Charleen" when in reality you've one-way "sexted" you're 65 year old neighbor named "Charlie"...for like 15 minutes. Woops.

11. Ridden a riding lawnmower indoors.

12. Made it all the way to the front door, in the dark, after a one night stand, only to realize your sneaking out of your own house.

13. Turned a drunken Hat-Trick: You've invented a word, invented a product, and invented a drink all in one night. Unfortunately you can't remember any of them the next day, just that you did it.

14. Having actually drank yourself sober. It is a fact that if you drink enough Patron in one night, you will involentarily start drinking water and sober up. Granted, I just made the fact up, but I'm so removed from reality these days that I'm delusional to the point of believing pretty much anything I conjure up. Soooo, fact.

15. Instead of getting upset about losing your phone or wallet the night before, called your buddies and made a drinking game of re-collecting your goods and belongings in a scavanger hunt-style operation the next day.


Man, my liver does NOT miss college.