The Declaration of Indiscretion

It’s always nice to have a friend who knows everything about you. There are no secrets, no judgments (well, a few judgments), tastes are mutually shared without conversation, and there is little or no worry of making an offensive faux paux in there company. All in all it is a great feeling to be that close to someone…until the faux paux which previously rendered itself not existent, becomes reality.
My friend is roughly 5’ 9”, blonde hair, blue eyes, legs for hours, and is obviously female. We had our initial run at intimacy only to later find out that we absolutely despised one another for the simple fact that we were far too similar. Her favorite song became my favorite song and two people singing as loud as they can to the radio is absolutely one aspiring vocalist too many. Her favorite food was my favorite food and we both fought to the death over the last surviving egg roll. Her favorite television show turned out to be my favorite television show, and as she had adopted it a year before I had, she made it a point to systematically destroy every episode with mirrored rhetoric of all scripted dialogue (not to say I wouldn’t have done the same thing had I been fortunate enough to see the pilot). Conclusively, the only thing we willingly shared was our dislike of Jimmy Hendrix, Brussels sprouts, and Kirsten Dunst, non of which one can establish a relationship on.
We are at dinner one night, which was not uncommon at the time, when I see a girl for whom I held sincere admiration for, and found very attractive, walk through the door of the restaurant. Me being me, I wave her and her man-friend over to sit with us. Pleasantries ensue, and the conversation leads to the discovery that none of the people at the table are in a relationship. My friend, surprisingly found “Man friend” to be attractive (I say “Surprisingly” because in my opinion I was far better looking), and obviously I was engrossed with the girl sitting across from me. The conversations become sighted with Hot Pants and I holding our conversation, and my friend and Mr. “I Brush My Teeth Too Much” apparently hitting it off superbly. For some reason I find it interesting that even though two people who have known each other for a long time, and gone through the incessant rigmarole of trying to date and failing like clock work, can some how still find the strength and drive to be jealous at the most inconvenient times. Unintentionally, my friend and I begin taking tiny jabs that start with harmless banter and move to malicious attacks using verbal artillery.

Daris- “Why did you order salad? You hate salad. I think the last time you ate anything green I had your face in the bushes at Brian’s parent’s cabin.”

Friend- “Oddly, I noticed you ordered steak; is that so you can get a feel for what it’s like having a piece of meat in front of you that you can actually see without lifting your gut and standing in front of my parent’s closet mirror?”

Daris- “Eat up; the restaurant bar closes in an hour. You only have so much time to get drunk and make a scene.”

Friend- “So, Justin (Mr. Clean) you said you were visiting from out of town? Where are you from?
Justin- “I’m actually from Georgia. I’m up here visiting Mary (Hot Pants) for the weekend and we thought we would come here.”

Mary (Hot Pants)- “I am finishing my last year at school here and I told him that he had to come up and visit me once before I graduated.”

Daris to Friend- “Honey, it looks like the bathroom might be out of order, you may have to be bulimic at Starbucks”.

Friend- “Don’t worry; I can always use your empty wallet as a barf bag cheapskate.”

Mary- “You guys seem to get along…not so well. Are you alright?”

Justin- “Yeah, we can take off if there’s something wrong.”

Friend- “No, this is just our humor, kind of off the wall. Sorry, Daris gets a little testy if he doesn’t get a little ‘testy’ before bed time.”

Daris- “She’s a raging drug abuser. Seriously, hide your valuables.”

Justin- “I think we’re going to go. Waiter! Check please.”

Mary stands up and puts her cloth napkin onto her plate, “Yeah, I hope everything works out alright. We actually have to get going. It was really nice seeing you Daris.”

Daris- “Yeah, we’ll have to do this again sometime when her Chlamydia isn’t flaring up.”

Friend- “I’ll will kill you bitch. Seriously, that was like 3 years ago.”

As Mary and Justin leave the restaurant in a state of obvious awe and panic, I could only thank the omnipotent Lord there was someone like my friend to share evenings like this with. I don’t know what I would do without a friend that truly cared.

Daris- “Love you.”

She was already half way through Justin’s mashed potatoes.