So I'm officially on the hunt for a roommate to add to the already incredible duo we have at the house. The following is a highly exaggerated requirement list of the ideal candidate:
1. Will love Captain Crunch cereal. This is purposely number 1 on the list. Clutch.
2. Can laugh at their own stupidity. No one likes a know-it-all…everyone likes a makes-fun-of-it-all.
3. Can ride a Shetland Pony as hilariously as Sherlock Homes does in the second Sherlock Holmes movie.
4. Has seen the second Sherlock Holmes movie.
5. Can survive in a home where the thermostat maxes out at 69 degrees F. It’s not the thermostat itself, per say, but more the me.
6. Enjoys snowboarding/skiing in the winter…and isn’t offended when I go two runs down the hill and then go slosh up at the lodge for the rest of the day.
7. Know how to fix a flat tire on their own car. It shows the spirit and go get’m attitude that translates nicely into an excellent water balloon fight teammate.
8. Though they don’t need to know the rules of NFL Football, they need to be able to unnoticeably feign interest in one way or another.
9. Has a desire to paint their room and/or make the house someway unique to their personality. No penis drawings.
10. Can take a morning shower in under 10 minutes. Otherwise, is comfortable showering at the Y.
11. Can go chip for chip with me in the realm of nacho cheese consumption. You can tell the strength of someone’s will by the amount of time it takes their tongue to go numb from Tostitos cheese poisoning.
12. Has no qualms with holiday cheer. If you don’t like Christmas, you need to find Jesus and get your life together.
13. Doesn’t complain about cheap wine. Most of the time I can’t tell the difference between middle of the road wine and…side of the road…wine, and I can get 2 bottles for the price of 1. Should you disagree, BYOB.
14. Complains about cheap scotch. You can totally tell the difference between middle of the road scotch and…side of the road…scotch, and I’d rather get 1 bottle for the price of 2. Should you disagree, it doesn’t matter because don’t touch my scotch, that’s why.
15. Doesn’t get offended when I forget their birthday. The only reason I remember my own is because people on Facebook get a reminder and then send me messages reminding me that it’s my birthday.
16. Instead of complaining that one of the toilet seats is up or down, just (wo)man’s up and just puts it up or down. I do it all the time and have NEVER thought to myself, “This is just the biggest goddamn inconvenience of my day.” Never have I thought that.
17. Doesn’t clip their toenails in front of me. One of my childhood friend’s fathers clipped his toenails in front of me when I was a kid and one hit me in the face from a ridiculous distance and angle and I almost threw up. Scarred.
18. Takes the time to learn the “New seasons of Parks and Recreation on Netflix” dance. Lessons included in rent.